For generations, we have been told that our marae is our sanctuary. It is the heart of our iwi, the place where our ancestors speak through the carvings, and where our whānau gathers to celebrate and to grieve. It is meant to be our ultimate tūrangawaewae—the place where we all have the right to stand tall and feel safe.
But for some of us, the marae holds a different set of memories.
For many survivors in Aotearoa, the marae and the whānau home have become places of shadow. These spaces often hold “hidden secrets” that have fractured our mana for generations. To heal the collective, we must be brave enough to look at the truth: Sexual violence does not discriminate, it does not spare our tāne (men), and silence is not protection.
The Weight of the “Hidden Secret”
In many whānau, there is a “silent understanding” that protects the abuser to “save” the family name. We know who to stay away from. We know which uncle shouldn’t be left alone with the tamariki. We know why a certain cousin stopped coming to the hui or why the tension rises during a pōwhiri when a certain person enters the wharenui.
When violence occurs within the “circle of trust,” the pressure to stay silent is immense:
- Whakama (Shame): The heavy feeling that speaking out will “shame” the whakapapa.
- Disconnection: The terrifying fear of being cast out from the place you belong.
- Division: The burden of feeling like you are “breaking the whānau apart.”
The Truth: It is the violence that breaks the whānau, not the speaking of it. Keeping these secrets doesn’t protect our reputation; it poisons the roots of our family tree.
The Silence of our Tāne
We must specifically acknowledge the Māori men who carry the weight of sexual harm in silence.
- The Statistics: While Māori wāhine and rangatahi are disproportionately affected, 1 in 18 men in NZ experience sexual violence. For Māori tāne, historical trauma and systemic barriers often make these numbers even higher.
- The “Man Up” Myth: Our tāne are often pressured to be “pillars of strength.” This creates a wall of whakamā. If a tāne is harmed, he may feel his mana has been stripped, making it almost impossible to speak out.
- The Cycle: When our men cannot speak, the trauma often manifests as anger, addiction, or disconnection. Healing the whānau requires us to create a space where our men can be vulnerable without losing their dignity.
Marae Safety: A Call to our Kaumātua and Leaders
Our leaders have a sacred duty of Kaitiakitanga (guardianship). A marae cannot be tapu (sacred) if it is not safe for the most vulnerable.
Steps for Marae Committees:
- Acknowledge the Pain: Stop pretending “it doesn’t happen here.” Acknowledging the shadows is the only way to let in the light.
- Clear Policies: Ensure the safety of the survivor is the priority, regardless of the abuser’s status or standing in the iwi.
- Open Dialogue: Use whaikōrero and hui to normalize these conversations. Breaking the silence is an act of protection for the future birthright of our mokopuna.
Reclaiming Our Mana
To the tāne and wāhine carrying these secrets: You are not the source of the shame. The shame belongs to the act, not the person it happened to. Your mana is inherent, and your voice is the key to cleansing our culture.
In Aotearoa, you do not have to navigate Western systems alone. Specialized Kaupapa Māori services like Tū Wahine Trust and Korowai Tūmanako focus on Whakawhanaungatanga—rebuilding your connections and your mana within a Māori worldview.
Our marae belong to the survivors just as much as they belong to the elders. By breaking the silence, we aren’t destroying our whānau; we are finally allowing them to heal.
You Are Not Alone. Reach Out:
Tū Wahine Trust: Māori-led therapy and advocacy.
Safe to Talk: 0800 044 334 (24/7 confidential support)
Tautoko Tāne Male Survivors Aotearoa: https://tautokotane.nz/contact/
If you need a safe place to talk, our website provides connections to Kaupapa Māori services across Aotearoa.
Staying Safe and Sane 