Am I in an Abusive Relationship?

In New Zealand, many people think abuse is only “hitting” or “physical violence.” Because of this, thousands of Kiwis stay in dangerous situations simply because they don’t think their experience “counts.”

If you are questioning your relationship, the most important thing to know is: If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, you are likely being abused.

1. The NZ Definition: It’s Not Just Physical

Under the Family Violence Act 2018, violence is defined as “physical, sexual, or psychological abuse.” This includes:

Coercive Control: A pattern of behavior used to dominate you. If they monitor your phone, dictate what you wear, or decide who you can see, that is abuse.
Economic Abuse: If they control your bank account, give you an “allowance,” or prevent you from working, they are taking away your independence.
Digital Abuse: Constant “check-in” texts, demanding your passwords, or using GPS/AirTags to track you.
Spiritual Abuse: Using your faith or culture to “put you in your place” or prevent you from seeking help.

2. The “Power and Control” Checklist

Ask yourself if any of these common NZ “red flags” are present in your home:

The “Tension Building” Phase

Do you find yourself pre-emptively cleaning or shushing the kids to keep them in a “good mood”?
Do you change your route home or lie about who you talked to because you’re afraid of their reaction?

Isolation Tactics

Do they “trash talk” your friends or whānau until you stop seeing them?
Do they make you feel guilty for spending time away from them?
Do they insist that “no one else understands our love”?

The “Crazy-Making” (Gaslighting)

Do they deny saying things you know they said?
Do they tell you that you are “too sensitive,” “bipolar,” or “imagining things”?
Do they blame their behavior on stress, work, or your “nagging”?

3. Specific NZ “Warnings”

In Aotearoa, abuse often hides behind certain cultural or social masks:

The “Protective” Partner: They say they track your phone because “NZ isn’t safe” or they “just love you so much.” Truth: Protection doesn’t feel like a cage.
The “Good Provider”: They use the fact that they pay the mortgage or rent to justify yelling or belittling you. Truth: Providing financially does not buy the right to mistreat someone.
The “High-Functioning” Abuser: They are respected in the community—maybe a coach, a professional, or a “good bloke.” You feel no one will believe you. Truth: Many abusers are “street angels and house devils.”

4. The “Cycle of Violence” Test

Abuse in NZ usually follows a circular pattern. Does this look familiar?

The Build-up: Small criticisms, cold shoulders, “the look.”
The Incident: An explosion of anger, names, threats, or physical harm.
The Honeymoon: They cry, buy gifts, promise to go to counseling, or blame the “stress of the world.”
The Calm: Things feel “normal” for a while, making you doubt your decision to leave.

If the “Honeymoon” phase is the only reason you stay, you are in an abusive cycle.

5. Trust Your Body

Your brain might try to rationalize the abuse, but your body often knows the truth. Symptoms of being in an abusive relationship include:

Chronic fatigue or “brain fog.”
Always having a “tight” chest or stomach.
Jumping at loud noises or a door opening.
Feeling a sense of “dread” when you see their name pop up on your phone.

What to do if you’re unsure

You don’t need a “bruise” to call a helpline. You can call Shine (0508 744 633) or Women’s Refuge (0800 733 843) and simply say: “I’m not sure if my relationship is healthy, can I talk to someone?” They will listen without judgment.

Crucial: In NZ, it is a crime to track someone’s phone or use a device to monitor them without their consent. This is a form of stalking and harassment.

When you have lived in a high-stress or abusive environment for a long time, your “normal” gets recalibrated. In New Zealand, where we often value being “tough” or “not making a scene,” it’s easy to mistake control for passion or silence for peace.

Use this table to compare your relationship. Healthy relationships are built on Equality; abusive ones are built on Power.

The Comparison Guide

Feature	Healthy Relationship	Unhealthy/Abusive Relationship
Communication	You can say “No” or disagree without fearing an explosion or “the silent treatment.”	You “rehearse” what to say to avoid a fight or stay silent to keep the peace.
Boundaries	They respect your need for space, your passwords, and your friendships.	They demand your passwords, check your phone, or “guilt” you for seeing whānau.
Conflict	Arguments stay on the topic. No name-calling or bringing up old “shame.”	Arguments involve insults, threats, or “gaslighting” (telling you you’re crazy).
Support	They celebrate your wins (a promotion, a new hobby, a night out).	They belittle your success or make your “win” all about them.
Trust	You don’t have to “prove” where you were or who you were with.	They track your GPS, call constantly, or accuse you of cheating without cause.
Sexual Consent	Sex is a mutual choice. “No” is respected immediately and without guilt.	You feel you “owe” them sex, or they use pressure, guilt, or force.
Money	You both know where the money goes; you have access to your own funds.	They hide the bank balance, give you an “allowance,” or take your pay.
The “Vibe”	You feel safe, relaxed, and like “yourself” when they come home.	You feel a “pit” in your stomach or a spike in anxiety when you hear their car.

3 Specific “NZ Red Flags” to Watch For

1. The “Joking” Put-down

In NZ, we love “taking the mickey,” but there is a line.

Healthy: Gentle teasing that you both laugh at.
Abusive: They humiliate you in front of friends or kids, then tell you to “harden up” or “get a sense of humour” when you get upset.

2. The Isolation “Filter”

Does your partner act like they are the only person who truly “gets” you?

The Tactic: They slowly point out flaws in everyone else—your mum is “manipulative,” your best friend is “a bad influence,” your boss is “out to get you.”
The Result: Eventually, you are left with only them as a source of information and support. This is a deliberate setup for control.

3. “Checking In” vs. “Checking Up”

Checking In: “Hey, hope the coffee with your sister is good! See you later x.”
Checking Up: “Who else is there? Send me a photo. Why aren’t you answering? You said you’d be home by 4:00.”

What Does “Safe” Actually Feel Like?

Safety isn’t just the absence of hitting. True safety in a relationship means:

You can be tired, grumpy, or “messy” without being punished for it.
You can change your mind.
You can have your own opinions, even if they differ from your partner’s.
You are not afraid.

Important: If reading the “Unhealthy” column felt like reading a diary of your life, please know that you are not alone. Thousands of New Zealanders reach out to services every year to figure out their next steps.