When you have lived under the rules of an abuser, your internal sense of what you are “allowed” to do can become warped. Reclaiming your self-worth starts with establishing a Personal Bill of Rights—a set of non-negotiable truths that apply to you simply because you exist.
In New Zealand, these rights are supported by our laws (like the Human Rights Act and the Family Violence Act), but they are also moral boundaries that belong to you alone.
Your Relationship Bill of Rights
1. The Right to Autonomy
- I have the right to make my own decisions, even if others disagree with them.
- I have the right to change my mind at any time without having to provide a “good enough” reason.
- I have the right to follow my own values, beliefs, and cultural practices (tikanga).
- I have the right to choose my own friends and maintain my own relationship with my whānau.
2. The Right to Emotional Safety
- I have the right to feel all my feelings—anger, sadness, joy, or numbness—without being told they are “wrong.”
- I have the right to express my needs and ask for what I want.
- I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect at all times.
- I have the right to not be responsible for the actions, moods, or behaviors of another adult.
3. The Right to Physical & Digital Privacy
- I have the right to a safe personal space where I am not monitored or watched.
- I have the right to keep my phone, passwords, and mail private.
- I have the right to say “no” to any physical touch or sexual activity, even in a long-term relationship or marriage.
4. The Right to Economic Independence
- I have the right to have my own bank account and control my own money.
- I have the right to work, study, or volunteer without sabotage or permission.
- I have the right to know the truth about shared finances and debts.
Using Your Bill of Rights as a “Compass”
If you aren’t sure if a situation is healthy, ask yourself: “Is this person honoring my Bill of Rights?” If they are making you feel guilty for exercising these rights, they are attempting to use power and control.
Pro-Tip: Print this out or save it in a “hidden” folder on your phone. When the voice of the abuser starts to play in your head, read these rights out loud to remind yourself of the truth.
A Note on Reclaiming Your Mana
In Aotearoa, we understand that violence is an attack on a person’s mana (their inherent power and authority). Reclaiming these rights is the first step in restoring that mana. You are not “asking for permission” to have these rights; you are simply stating that they already belong to you.
Staying Safe and Sane 