Staying Safe and Sane

In New Zealand, the law and social services recognize that children do not have to be “hit to be hurt.” Under the Family Violence Act 2018, “witnessing” violence—which includes hearing it from another room or seeing the aftermath (like broken furniture or a distressed parent)—is legally defined as psychological abuse against the child.

Here is a breakdown of how family violence affects children and what support is available in Aotearoa.

1. The Physical Impact on Developing Brains

Research from New Zealand organizations like the Brainwave Trust shows that high levels of stress (cortisol) can actually alter a child’s brain development, especially in the first 1,000 days of life.

• Hyper-vigilance: Children may become constantly “on guard,” waiting for the next outburst. This keeps their brain in a “fight or flight” mode, which can make it hard for them to learn or concentrate at school.
• Health Issues: Stress can weaken a child’s immune system, leading to more frequent illnesses, headaches, or stomach aches.
• Developmental Delays: Younger children may lose skills they already had, such as toilet training or clear speech, or they may struggle with sleeping and eating.

2. Emotional and Behavioral Changes

Children react to violence in different ways. In NZ, experts often categorize these into three patterns:

• The “Caretaker”: Some children try to “fix” the situation by being perfect, doing all the chores, or staying home from school to protect the non-violent parent.
• The “Actor Out”: Some children copy the unsafe behavior they see at home. They may become aggressive with siblings or peers because they have learned that violence is how you get what you want or handle big feelings.
• The “Withdrawer”: Other children become very quiet and try to be “invisible” to avoid notice. They may struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression.

3. How the NZ Legal System Views Children and Violence

The Care of Children Act 2004 was specifically updated to prioritize a child’s safety above all else.

• Safety First: When a Judge is deciding on parenting arrangements (custody), the law says the child’s safety from all forms of violence is the “first and paramount consideration.”
• Supervised Contact: If there is a history of violence, the Court may order that the abuser only sees the child at a Supervised Contact Centre. This ensures the child is safe and the non-violent parent doesn’t have to interact with the abuser.
• Protection Orders: A Protection Order for a parent automatically protects any children who live with them, unless the Judge says otherwise.

4. Support Services for Children in NZ

There are specialized services in New Zealand designed to help children heal from the trauma of family violence:

• KIDshine (0508 744 633): A specialized service for children who have experienced family violence. They work with children to help them understand it wasn’t their fault and to develop a safety plan.
• Aviva (0800 28 48 26): Offers the “Tamariki RISE” program, a 10-week education and support program for children aged 5-12.
• Barnardos: Provides “0800 What’s Up” (0800 942 8787), a free counseling helpline specifically for children and teenagers to talk about what’s happening at home.
• Youthline: Text 234 or call 0800 37 66 33 for older children and teenagers.

5. What You Can Do as a Parent

• Reassurance: Keep telling them: “It is not your fault,” and “My job is to keep you safe.”
• Safety Planning: Teach them how to call 111 and practice saying their home address. Decide on a “safe place” they can go (like a neighbor’s house) if things get scary.+1
• School Support: If you feel it is safe, tell your child’s teacher or school counselor. They can provide a “safe haven” during the day and be extra patient with the child’s learning or behavior.