Staying Safe and Sane

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Co-parenting

In New Zealand, the term “co-parenting” often suggests a level of friendly cooperation that is impossible—and even dangerous—when family violence is involved. For survivors, the goal shifts from “co-parenting” to Safe Parenting or Parallel Parenting.

Here is what you need to know about managing parenting arrangements while staying safe under NZ law.

1. Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

If there is a history of coercive control or violence, trying to “co-parent” (which requires frequent, flexible communication) can give the abuser a platform for continued harassment.

  • The Alternative: Parallel Parenting. This is a recognized model where each parent operates their household independently.
  • The “Firewall”: You do not share details of your life. You communicate only about essential logistics (health, school) using methods that keep you safe.

2. Communication: Keeping it Evidence-Based

The most common way an abuser maintains control is through “Word Salad” or abusive texts under the guise of “talking about the kids.”

  • Use a Parenting App: Move all communication to an app like OurFamilyWizard or AppClose. These apps create a permanent, un-editable record that the Family Court can view.
  • The “BIFF” Rule: Keep all messages Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly (neutral).
  • No-Contact Means No-Contact: If you have a Protection Order with a “no contact” condition, the abuser is breaching the law if they text you directly, even if they say it’s about the children. All communication must go through your lawyer or a neutral third party.

3. Safe Handovers (The “Critical Risk” Window)

Handovers are the most volatile time. In NZ, you have several ways to make these safer:

  • Neutral Public Spaces: Use a busy supermarket car park or a police station foyer.
  • Supervised Handovers: Use a service like Barnardos or a specialized supervised contact center. One parent drops off the child, leaves, and then the other parent arrives 15 minutes later.
  • School/Daycare Transfers: Arrange it so Parent A drops the child at school on Friday morning, and Parent B picks them up on Friday afternoon. This eliminates face-to-face contact entirely.

4. Your Rights Under the Care of Children Act

In New Zealand, the Family Violence Act 2018 and the Care of Children Act (CoCA) are designed to prioritize safety.

  • Safety First: The Court must prioritize the safety of the child and the protected person. If there is a Protection Order, the Judge must consider how to keep you safe during any contact.
  • Supervised Contact: If there is “proven violence,” the abuser often will not be allowed to see the children without a professional supervisor present.
  • The “Reasonable Excuse”: If you believe the other parent is high, drunk, or dangerous when they arrive for a pick-up, you have a reasonable excuse to refuse the handover. Immediately notify your lawyer and/or the Police.

5. Protecting Information (Digital & Physical)

  • Unpublished Details: Ensure your address and phone number are on the Unpublished Electoral Roll and that the school knows not to share your contact details with the other parent if a Protection Order is in place.
  • School Events: You are not required to attend school plays or parent-teacher interviews at the same time as the abuser. You can request separate meetings with teachers.

6. Key NZ Services for Parents

  • Parenting Through Separation (PTS): A free course required by the Family Court. Note: You can (and should) request to attend a different session than your ex-partner.
  • Family Dispute Resolution (FDR): Mediation for parenting plans. Warning: If there has been family violence, the mediator may decide FDR is “unsuitable” and you can bypass this step to go straight to Court.
  • KIDshine: A specialist service for children who have witnessed or experienced family violence, helping them build resilience and safety plans.

Sanity Anchor: You are not a “bad parent” for limiting contact between the children and an abusive parent. Shielding your children from witnessing conflict or being used as messengers is one of the most protective things you can do for their long-term health.