Staying Safe and Sane

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Coercive Control

In New Zealand, coercive control is often described as “the invisible cage.” While physical violence is a single event, coercive control is a continuous pattern of behavior used to dominate a victim’s daily life.

As a Registered Social Worker, I frame this for survivors as the “fog”—it is designed to make you lose your sense of self so that the abuser becomes your only source of reality.

1. What is Coercive Control?

Under the Family Violence Act 2018, New Zealand law recognizes that violence isn’t just physical. Coercive control is a strategic pattern of non-physical abuse that includes:

  • Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, or your workplace.
  • Monitoring: Checking your phone, using GPS trackers on your car, or demanding to know your location at all times.
  • Degradation: Constant name-calling, body shaming, or “gaslighting” (making you doubt your own memory or sanity).
  • Economic Abuse: Controlling your bank account, forbidding you from working, or making you ask for money for basic needs.
  • Rules & Micro-regulation: Telling you what to wear, how to clean, or who you can speak to.

2. The “Gaslighting” Factor

A core part of coercive control in NZ is gaslighting. This is where the abuser denies your reality until you stop trusting your own brain.

  • The Tactic: “I never said that,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re remember it wrong because you’re crazy.”
  • The Goal: To make you rely entirely on the abuser for the “truth.”

3. Is Coercive Control Illegal in NZ?

In New Zealand, while “Coercive Control” is not yet its own standalone criminal charge (unlike the new Stalking laws), it is legally recognized as a form of Family Violence.

  • Protection Orders: You can get a Protection Order specifically for psychological abuse and coercive control. You do not need to have been hit to qualify for protection.
  • Evidence: In NZ courts, judges look for a pattern. This is why keeping a “Reality Anchor” or a secret log of rules and restrictions is vital.

4. The “Digital Cage”

In 2026, coercive control almost always has a digital element. This is the focus of Safe and Sane NZ.

  • Shared Passwords: Being forced to share your phone passcode or social media logins is a red flag of control.
  • Notification Demands: Being required to reply to a text within 2 minutes or face “punishment.”
  • Smart Home Abuse: Using smart cameras or thermostats to monitor or harass you while you are home alone.

5. How to Reclaim Your Sovereignty

If you realize you are living under coercive control, the “exit” is psychological as well as physical.

  1. Trust Your Gut: If you feel like you are “walking on eggshells,” you are. That feeling is your body telling you that you are under threat.
  2. The Reality Anchor: Start a secret list of things that happen. When they say “I never said that,” you can look at your list (in a safe place) and know that you are right.
  3. Small Acts of Autonomy: Spend $5 on something they didn’t authorize. Talk to a friend they don’t like. Reclaim small pieces of “you” in secret.
  4. Seek an Advocate: Contact Women’s Refuge or Shine. They are experts in coercive control and can help you see the patterns that have been hidden from you.

6. National Help for Coercive Control

  • Shine (0508 744 633): They specialize in identifying the subtle signs of control.
  • Women’s Refuge (0800 733 843): Can help you understand if your partner’s “rules” meet the legal definition of family violence.
  • Safe to Talk (0800 044 334): If the control involves your body or reproductive choices.

In New Zealand, the Family Violence Act 2018 recognizes coercive control as a form of psychological abuse. Because it is a pattern of behavior rather than a single event, it can be hard to spot at first.

As a Registered Social Worker, I use this checklist to help survivors identify the “invisible threads” of control.

1. Isolation (Making Your World Smaller)

The goal is to move you away from anyone who might tell you the behavior is wrong.

  • Criticizing Loved Ones: Constantly putting down your friends or family until you stop seeing them to avoid an argument.
  • The “We” Rule: Insisting on being present for every phone call, doctor’s appointment, or coffee date.
  • Relocation: Pushing to move to a remote area or away from your support network.
  • Interference: “Accidentally” breaking your phone or car so you can’t leave the house.

2. Monitoring & Digital Surveillance

Technology is the most common tool for modern coercive control.

  • The “Check-in” Demand: Requiring you to text or call the moment you arrive or leave a location.
  • Password Hostage: Demanding access to your phone passcode, social media, and email logins.
  • Tracking: Using “Find My” apps, Apple AirTags in your bag/car, or smart home cameras to watch you.
  • Interrogation: Demanding to know who you were talking to if you were on your phone for “too long.”

3. Micro-Regulation (The “Rules”)

Controlling the small, everyday choices to erode your autonomy.

  • Appearance: Telling you what to wear, how to do your hair, or “forbidding” certain makeup.
  • Food & Sleep: Controlling what you eat, when you can eat, or waking you up in the middle of the night to “talk” (sleep deprivation).
  • Household Tasks: Demanding that chores be done in a very specific, “correct” way, with punishment if they aren’t.

4. Economic Abuse (Weaponizing Money)

Even if you earn the money, you may not have access to it.

  • The Allowance: Giving you a set amount of cash and demanding receipts for every cent spent.
  • Career Sabotage: Stopping you from going to work, making you late, or harassing you at your workplace so you lose your job.
  • Secret Debt: Taking out loans or credit cards in your name without your knowledge.
  • Restricted Access: Changing passwords to joint bank accounts so you can’t see the balance.

5. Gaslighting & Mind Games

Making you doubt your own memory so you rely only on their “truth.”

  • Denying Reality: Saying “I never said that” or “That never happened” about things you clearly remember.
  • Shifting Blame: “I wouldn’t have to check your phone if you weren’t so untrustworthy.”
  • The “Crazy” Label: Telling you (and others) that you are mentally unstable or “unwell” to discredit you.

How this patterns looks over time

The “Safe and Sane” Check-in:

If you looked at this list and felt a “pit in your stomach,” please trust that feeling. Coercive control is designed to make you feel like you’re “walking on eggshells.”