In New Zealand family violence contexts, DARVO is a specialized manipulation tactic used by abusers to dodge accountability. It is particularly common in high-conflict Family Court cases and intergenerational abuse (such as when an adult child is the abuser).
The term was coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd and stands for: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
1. The Three Stages of DARVO
| Stage | What the Abuser Does | Example in NZ Context |
| D – Deny | They flatly deny the abuse happened or claim you are “misremembering.” | “I never touched your bank account; you must have spent that money and forgotten.” |
| A – Attack | They attack your credibility, sanity, or character to make you look unreliable. | “You’re only saying this because you’re mentally unwell/on medication/trying to get my inheritance.” |
| RVO – Reverse Victim & Offender | They claim they are the ones being abused or “bullied” by your accusations. | “I’m the victim of a ‘false accusation’—my own mother is trying to ruin my life and put me on the street.” |
2. How DARVO “Gaslights” the System
In New Zealand, DARVO is a major hurdle in legal proceedings because it is designed to confuse observers (like Police, judges, or social workers).
- The “Mutual Conflict” Trap: By attacking you, the abuser tries to make it look like “two people who just can’t get along” rather than one person abusing another.
- Internalized Blame: The most dangerous part of DARVO is that it makes you doubt yourself. You might find yourself apologizing to the person who just hurt you.
- Legal Weaponization: Abusers often use DARVO to apply for their own “counter-protection orders” or to claim you are “alienating” them from the family.
3. How to Protect Yourself from DARVO
If you recognize this pattern, your strategy must shift from “trying to make them understand” to “documenting for the record.”
- Stop the Confrontation: DARVO only works if you are “confronting” them. If you stop trying to get them to admit what they did, you remove their opportunity to “Attack and Reverse.”
- Record Everything: Because DARVO attacks your memory, keep a “Safety Journal.” Record dates, times, what was done, and—crucially—what was said in response.
- Use “The Script”: When they try to reverse roles, do not argue. Say: “I understand you have a different version of events, but I know what happened to me.” Then walk away.
- Alert Your Lawyer: If you are in the Family Court, tell your lawyer: “I believe the respondent is using DARVO tactics to discredit me.” NZ courts are becoming more “trauma-informed” and many judges now recognize this pattern.
Staying Safe and Sane 