In New Zealand, emotional and psychological abuse is legally recognized as a form of family violence under the Family Violence Act 2018. Unlike physical violence, emotional abuse often leaves no visible scars, but it is considered just as damaging because it systematically destroys a person’s sense of self-worth and autonomy.

1. What Counts as Emotional Abuse?

In NZ law, emotional abuse is often referred to as “psychological abuse.” It isn’t just a heated argument; it is a pattern of behavior used to gain power and control. It includes:

Coercive Control: Monitoring your movements, checking your phone, or dictating who you can see and what you can wear.
Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own memory or sanity by denying things that happened (e.g., “I never said that, you’re imagining things”).
Isolation: Moving you away from friends and family or making it so difficult to see them that you eventually stop trying.
Economic Abuse: Controlling all the money, preventing you from working, or making you ask for an “allowance.”
Threats and Intimidation: Threatening to hurt themselves, take the children, or call Immigration if you leave.
Constant Criticism: “Put-downs” that make you feel worthless, stupid, or unattractive.

2. The Legal Reality in NZ

Many people believe they cannot get help unless they have been hit. This is a myth.

Protection Orders: You can apply for a Protection Order based solely on psychological abuse. If the court sees a pattern of control that causes you harm, they can grant the order.
Police Safety Orders (PSO): If the Police attend an incident and believe there is a risk of psychological harm, they can issue a PSO on the spot, which removes the abuser from the house for up to 10 days.
Criminal Charges: While “emotional abuse” isn’t a single criminal charge, specific acts within it—such as Stalking or Non-fatal Strangulation (which often accompanies emotional control)—are serious crimes in New Zealand.

3. The “Cycle of Violence”

Emotional abuse often follows a predictable pattern that makes it hard to leave:

Tension Building: You feel like you are “walking on eggshells.”
The Incident: The emotional outburst, the silent treatment, or the intense gaslighting.
Reconciliation (Honeymoon): The abuser apologizes, buys gifts, or promises to change. This phase creates a “Trauma Bond,” making you feel like the “real” them has returned.

4. How to Prove It

Since there are no bruises, the Family Court relies on other types of evidence:

Digital Footprint: Save screenshots of abusive texts, emails, or social media messages.
A Diary/Log: Keep a hidden record of incidents, dates, and how they made you feel.
Witnesses: Statements from friends, family, or work colleagues who have seen a change in your behavior or overheard the abuse.
Professional Reports: Letters from your GP, a counselor, or a support worker (like Women’s Refuge) stating they are treating you for symptoms of psychological abuse.

5. Where to Get Help

Shine (0508 744 633): National helpline providing confidential support.
Women’s Refuge (0800 REFUGE): Specialist advocates who understand coercive control.
Hey Bro (0800 HEYBRO): For men who want to stop being abusive and change their behavior.
Legal Aid: You can often get a lawyer for free or low cost to help you apply for a Protection Order based on emotional harm.

Am I Crazy?

It is very common for victims of emotional abuse to feel like they are “going crazy.” This is usually because of a technique called Gaslighting, where the abuser systematically denies your reality until you stop trusting your own memory and judgment.

In New Zealand, the Family Violence Act 2018 specifically recognizes this “mind game” behavior as psychological abuse. Here is how to tell the difference and some techniques to keep your feet on the ground.

1. Signs It’s Abuse (and Not “Just You”)

If you are constantly asking yourself “Am I the problem?”, use these diagnostic questions:

The “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde” Test: Does your partner act kind, charming, and stable in front of others, but turn cold, critical, or explosive the moment you are alone? If they can control their behavior for an audience, their “loss of control” with you is a choice.
The “Eggshell” Gauge: Do you spend your day predicting their mood and adjusting your behavior to avoid a reaction? In a healthy relationship, you don’t have to “manage” your partner’s emotions to feel safe.
The Responsibility Shift: Do they blame you for their actions? (e.g., “I wouldn’t have screamed if you hadn’t been so annoying.”) In a healthy relationship, people take ownership of their own reactions.

2. Techniques to Prove Your Reality

When someone is rewriting your history, you need “Hard Data” to stay sane.

Digital Journaling: Keep a hidden, password-protected note on your phone (or a draft email to yourself) where you record dates, times, and exactly what was said. When they say, “I never said that,” you can look at your notes and confirm: “Yes, they did. I wrote it down at 3:00 PM that Tuesday.”
The “Trusted Mirror”: Share specific incidents with one trusted friend. Say: “This happened today. Does this sound normal to you?” An outside perspective acts as a “mirror” to reflect the reality you’re being told to ignore.
The “SOP” Method (Stop, Observe, Proceed): When a confusing argument starts, mentally step out of it. Tell yourself: “I am observing a gaslighting attempt.” Labeling the behavior as it happens stops you from being “sucked into” the confusion.

3. Abuse vs. Healthy Conflict

Healthy Conflict	Emotional Abuse
Both people feel safe to express feelings.	One person’s feelings are “crazy” or “too much.”
You feel closer or resolved afterward.	You feel drained, confused, and “wrong.”
Disagreements are about the issue.	Disagreements are about your character.
Both people can apologize sincerely.	Apologies are rare or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

4. Why You Feel Like You’re “Going Crazy”

This feeling is actually a Trauma Response. When your brain receives two conflicting pieces of information (e.g., “I saw them take my keys” vs. “They swear they didn’t touch them”), it experiences Cognitive Dissonance. Over time, your brain chooses to believe the abuser because the alternative—that the person you love is intentionally hurting you—is too terrifying to process.

Crucial Tip: In New Zealand, you can call Shine (0508 744 633) or Women’s Refuge just to talk. You don’t need a “reason” other than feeling confused. You can say: “I feel like I’m going crazy and I need to check my reality with someone.”

Relationship Check

It is completely normal to feel “crazy” when you are being gaslit. Your brain is trying to make sense of two realities: what you saw/heard and what the abuser is telling you happened.

In New Zealand, several organizations provide “Relationship Checks” that act as an objective third party to help you see the situation clearly.

1. The Best NZ “Reality Check” Tools

These tools are designed specifically for the NZ legal and social context:

Aviva “Relationship Check”: This is a 20-question quiz. It helps you identify behaviors like monitoring your phone, blaming you for their feelings, or making you feel guilty.
- Score of 5–9: Suggests a pattern of power and control is starting.
- Score of 10+: Indicates you or your children are at high risk of harm.
“Are You OK?” Check It Out Tool: A government-backed tool that walks you through subtle behaviors (like being forced to do things because you’re afraid of their reaction) and gives you a summary of whether your relationship is healthy.
Yourtoolkit.com Coercive Control Tool: A more in-depth self-assessment that breaks down abuse into categories like Economic, Emotional, and Minimising/Denying. It is excellent for identifying exactly which “tactic” is being used against you.

2. A Quick “Mind Game” Checklist

If you don’t have time for a full quiz, ask yourself if these three things happen regularly:

The “Denial of Fact”: Do they tell you “that never happened” or “you’re misremembering” regarding a specific event you are certain of?
The “Labeling”: Do they call you “unstable,” “bipolar,” “hormonal,” or “sensitive” to dismiss your legitimate complaints?
The “Counter-Accusation”: When you bring up something they did wrong, do they immediately turn it around and make the conversation about something you did months ago?

3. How to “Keep the Receipts” (Safely)

Because emotional abuse leaves no physical evidence, the “going crazy” feeling stops when you have proof.

The “Email to Self” Technique: If an incident happens, write a quick, factual email to a secret address. Use only facts: “January 28, 9:00 AM. He said X. I said Y. He threw his keys at the wall.” * Voice Memos: If it is safe to do so, record the audio of an argument on your phone. You do not need to play it for them. Simply listening to it later, when you are calm, will prove to you that you aren’t “imagining” the tone or the words used.

Privacy Warning: If you use these online tools, remember to use Incognito/Private mode or clear your browser history afterward. Many NZ sites (like Women’s Refuge) have a “Shielded Site” icon at the bottom of the page—click this to browse safely without it showing in your history.