When whānau or friends “enable” an abuser, it’s usually because they want to keep the peace or believe they are being “fair” to both sides. However, in family violence, “neutrality” often fuels the abuser’s power.
This guide helps you have that difficult conversation. It’s designed to shift their perspective from “supporting a couple” to “prioritizing safety.”
Conversation Guide: Shifting the Whānau Perspective
1. Set the Stage (The “Sanity” Prep)
Don’t have this conversation while the abuser is present or if you feel rushed. Choose a “Safe Ally”—the person in the group most likely to listen.
- The Goal: You aren’t asking them to hate the abuser; you are asking them to stop excused the behavior.
2. The Opening Script (Naming the Pattern)
- The Script: “I know you care about both of us, but I need you to understand that what is happening at home isn’t just ‘arguments.’ It is a pattern of [Control/Violence]. When you excuse it by saying he’s ‘stressed,’ it makes it harder for me to stay safe.”
3. Addressing Common “Enabling” Phrases
Use these “Sanity Anchor” responses when friends or whānau try to minimize the situation:
| If they say… | You can respond with… |
| “It takes two to tango.” | “It only takes one person to choose violence. I am reacting to fear; he is choosing to use force.” |
| “But he’s such a good guy at work/church.” | “Many abusers are charming in public. That is part of the pattern—it ensures no one believes me when I finally speak up.” |
| “He’s just had a hard childhood.” | “Lots of people have hard childhoods and don’t hurt their partners. His trauma explains his behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it.” |
| “Just stick it out for the kids.” | “The kids are safer with one happy, safe parent than in a home filled with fear and tension. They are learning that this is what love looks like.” |
4. The “Call to Action” (The Safety Shield)
Tell them exactly what “not enabling” looks like in practice.
- Ask for Privacy: “Please do not tell [Abuser] what we talk about. When you report back to him, it puts me in direct physical danger.”
- Ask for Truth: “Next time he blames his drinking or stress for his behavior, please don’t agree with him. You don’t have to fight him, but you can say, ‘Regardless of stress, that behavior isn’t okay.’”
- Ask for a Safe Haven: “If I ever call you and say [Code Word], I need you to pick me up immediately without asking questions or calling him first.”
5. If They Refuse to Stop Enabling
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, family members will choose to “side” with the abuser or remain neutral.
- The Hard Truth: If someone is reporting your whereabouts or conversations back to the abuser, they are not safe for you. * The Boundary: You may need to “Grey Rock” them—give them no emotional information and keep contact minimal until you have safely exited the relationship.
Staying Safe and Sane 