Research into family and sexual harm in Aotearoa consistently shows that when a victim is smaller or less experienced in violence than the person harming them, physical resistance can unfortunately lead to an escalation of the abuser’s force.
Strategic Survival: Why Outsmarting is Safer than Outfighting
It is a natural, human instinct to want to fight back when you are being harmed. You might feel that “standing your ground” is the only way to keep your dignity. However, research into family and sexual harm shows that physical resistance is often the most dangerous path. Here is what the evidence tells us about why “outsmarting” is your greatest weapon:
1. The Risk of Escalation
Research shows that when an abuser—who is often larger, stronger, or more comfortable with violence—is met with physical resistance, they frequently “level up” their force to maintain control. What started as a push can quickly escalate into life-threatening violence (such as strangulation or the use of weapons) as the abuser tries to “win” the encounter.
2. The Legal “Fog”
In New Zealand, if you fight back physically, an abuser may use that against you. They might call the Police first and claim they are the victim, or use your resistance to justify their violence to family and friends. This is part of the DARVO tactic (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender), designed to make you look like the “unstable” one.
3. Your Body’s Natural Wisdom: “The Freeze”
If you find that you cannot move or fight back during an assault, research confirms this isn’t a “failure.” It is a sophisticated survival reflex called Tonic Immobility. Your brain has calculated that fighting back will result in more severe injury or death. By “freezing,” your body is actually protecting you by minimizing the struggle and lowering the “heat” of the situation.
4. Strength is in the Strategy
Real resistance in a high-risk home or a sexual harm situation often looks “quiet.” It looks like:
- De-escalation: Saying whatever is needed to lower the immediate danger.
- Mental Shielding: Keeping your inner self safe while “complying” to stay physically alive.
- The Smart Exit: Focusing your energy on a safe getaway rather than a physical confrontation.
The Bottom Line: Recognizing that you cannot win a physical fight against someone who has already “given themselves permission” to harm you is not a sign of weakness. It is a professional-level safety call. You are not “giving up”—you are surviving so that you can live to see your own freedom.
The Physical Reality: Why Survival is the Only “Win”
When you are living with an abusive partner, the danger isn’t just in your head—it’s in the room. It is important to be honest about the physical reality: there is often a major difference in size and strength that makes a physical fight impossible to “win.”
The Hard Truth About Fighting Back
Because of differences in muscle and size, an abuser can cause a lot of damage very quickly. In the heat of a moment, if you try to fight back physically, it often backfires. Many abusers will use your self-defense as an “excuse” to become even more violent or lethal. They might call it “retaliation,” but the truth is they are using their strength to overwhelm you.
Choosing not to fight back physically isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a tactical move to stay alive.
The Reality in Aotearoa
If you feel like something is wrong, you aren’t “crazy” or “oversensitive.” You are part of a courageous group of New Zealanders navigating a national crisis.
- Every 5 Minutes: Police attend a family harm intervention.
- 1 in 3 Women: Will experience physical or emotional violence from a partner.
- The Hidden Violation: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in NZ will experience sexual harm.
- A Shared Burden: Nearly half of all NZ homicides are related to family violence—and sexual harm is often the “hidden” red flag that precedes these events.
Strategic Survival
Real resistance isn’t about throwing a punch; it’s about outsmarting the situation. In my experience within the Family Violence & Sexual Violence systems, I’ve seen that the survivors who stay safest are the ones who use:
- Strategic De-escalation: Doing or saying whatever is needed to lower the immediate heat.
- Mental Shielding: Keeping your inner self safe even when they are yelling.
- Smart Exit Planning: Getting the “Go-Bag” ready and knowing when it’s time to go.
Recognizing that you can’t win a physical fight against someone stronger isn’t giving up. It is a life-saving calculation. Your only job in a flashpoint is to survive it.
Staying Safe and Sane 