Staying Safe and Sane

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First steps

How to Use This Resource

This page is designed to support you in layers. We begin with Family Violence information, followed by specialized resources for Sexual Violence.

Family Violence: Your First Steps to Safety and Peace


Taking the first step is often the hardest part, but you don’t have to do everything at once. Start here to begin reclaiming your space and your strength.

1.Prioritize Your Immediate Safety

If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services right away. If you are safe for now but worried about your privacy, remember to clear your browser history after visiting this site or use “Incognito/Private” mode so your searches remain private.

2.Trust Your Instincts


You are the expert on your own life. If a situation feels “heavy” or “off,” trust that feeling. Take a moment to read our section on Heavy Homes to help put words to what you are sensing; sometimes, naming the problem is the first step to solving it.

3. Build a Simple Safety Plan


Safety doesn’t have to be a 20-page document. Start by identifying one “safe person” you can call and one place you can go if things escalate. We have a Quick Safety Guide below that can help you organize these thoughts without feeling overwhelmed.

4. Quiet the Noise


When you are living in high stress, your mind can feel scattered. Spend five minutes in our Mental Wellness section to find a simple grounding exercise. Reclaiming even a few minutes of calm can help you think more clearly about your next move.

The Quick Safety Guide: Your Immediate Blueprint

The Quick Safety GuideDownload

1. The “Anchor” (Your Safe Person)

Identify one person who knows your situation and will react immediately without asking “Why?” or “What did you do?”

  • The Name: [Person’s Name]
  • The Signal: Agree on a “Code Word” or a specific emoji (like a 🚩 or 🍕) that you can text them.
  • The Instruction: When they receive that signal, their job is to call 111 or come to your location immediately.

2. The “Harbour” (Your Safe Place)

Where will you go if you have to leave the house in the next 5 minutes?

  • Primary Spot: A 24-hour location (Police station, hospital ER, or a friend’s house).
  • The Route: Do you have the keys? Is your car backed into the driveway for a quick exit? If using public transport, do you have a topped-up AT Hop card or cash?

3. The “Lifeline” (Professional Support)

Save these in your phone under a “boring” name (like “NZ Weather” or “Library”) if you are being monitored:

4. The “Grab-and-Go” Essentials

If you can only take what fits in your pockets, prioritize these:

  • Phone & Charger: Fully charged.
  • Identification: Driver’s license, passport, or birth certificates (photos of these on a hidden cloud drive are also good).
  • Money: Any spare cash or a debit card the abuser cannot track in real-time.
  • Medication: A 3-day supply for you and your children.

5. The “Sanity” Shield

When the DARVO starts, use these mental anchors:

  • Identify the Tactic: “This is not an argument; this is a distraction.”
  • Grey Rock: Give short, “boring” answers.
  • The Exit Script: “I’m feeling overwhelmed; I’m going to step outside for some air.” (This gives you a reason to move toward the door).
EMERGENCY PROTOCOLDownload

Tactical Tip for NZ Users

If you are in immediate danger but cannot speak on the phone, call 111 and press ’55’ on your keypad. This alerts the operator that it is a “Silent Solution” and that you are in danger but cannot talk.

Sexual Violence: Reclaiming Your Tapu

Sexual violence is a violation of a person’s tapu (sacred self). It is never the survivor’s fault. In New Zealand, you have specific rights and supports available to you regardless of whether the police are involved.

1. Immediate Care (The First 72 Hours)

If an incident has just occurred, you can access SAATS (Sexual Abuse Assessment and Treatment Service) at hospitals or specialized clinics across NZ. They provide free medical care and forensic options.

2. The “Freeze” Response

If you didn’t “fight back,” your body likely entered tonic immobility. This is a biological survival reflex where the brain freezes to protect you from further harm. It is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign that your body was trying to keep you alive.

3. Sexual Coercion & Consent

In Aotearoa, consent must be clear, conscious, and freely given. If someone uses guilt, DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), or persistent wearing down of your “No,” that is coercion. If it isn’t a “Hell Yes,” it is a no.

4. Specialist Support

  • Safe to Talk: Call 0800 044 334 or text 4334. This is the national sexual harm helpline.
  • ACC Sensitive Claims: If you have experienced sexual violence in NZ, you are entitled to free, long-term counseling. You do not need a police report to start a claim.