Staying Safe and Sane

QUICK EXIT

He Twists my Words

When an abuser twists your words, they are using a tactic called “Word Salad” or DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). This is a deliberate attempt to make you stop talking about their behavior and start defending yours.

In New Zealand, this is recognized as Psychological Abuse. Here is how to keep your “Sanity” when your reality is being distorted.

1. Identify the Tactics in Real-Time

Knowing the name of the trick makes it harder for them to pull it off.

  • The Diversion: You say, “I felt hurt when you yelled.” They say, “So now I’m not allowed to have feelings? I guess I’m just a monster who can’t speak.”
  • The “Generalisation” Trap: They use words like “Always” and “Never” to make your specific complaint feel like an attack on their entire character.
  • The Motive Assignment: They tell you what you were “actually” thinking. “You only said that to make me feel small.”

2. The “Sanity” Response: Disengage

The goal of word-twisting is to draw you into a “circular argument” that lasts for hours until you are exhausted and apologize just to make it stop.

  • Stop Explaining: Once you see they are twisting your words, stop trying to clarify. You cannot “clear up a misunderstanding” with someone who is intentionally misunderstanding you.
  • The “Broken Record” Technique: Use a neutral, short phrase and stick to it.
    • “That isn’t what I said, but I can see we aren’t going to agree right now.”
    • “We remember things differently. I’m going to take a break from this conversation.”
  • Walk Away: Physically leave the room. Word-twisting requires an audience. By removing yourself, you end the “game.”

3. Understanding DARVO (The Abuser’s Shield)

If you confront them, expect them to use DARVO:

  1. Deny: “I never said that.”
  2. Attack: “You have a terrible memory, you’re becoming unstable.”
  3. Reverse Victim and Offender: “You’re the one attacking me! I’m the victim of your constant nagging.”

The Sanity Anchor: If you find yourself apologizing at the end of a conversation that started with your grievance, you have been DARVO’d.

4. Tactical Documentation

In NZ Family Court, “He-Said/She-Said” is difficult. Documentation is your shield.

  • Screenshot the Shift: If they twist words over text, save the whole thread. It shows the moment you made a calm request and the moment they “flipped” it.
  • Write it Down Immediately: After a verbal argument, write down exactly what you said and exactly what they said. This stops the “Fog” from making you believe their version of events.

5. Communication Boundaries

  • “Grey Rocking”: If you must communicate (e.g., about the kids), keep it to the “Three Fs”: Factual, Formal, and Firm. * Avoid Emotion: Abusers use your emotions as “hooks” to twist your words. By being as boring and emotionless as a “Grey Rock,” you give them nothing to twist.

Founder’s Tip: The “Sanity” Check

“If you constantly feel like you need a tape recorder just to prove you aren’t ‘crazy,’ you aren’t the problem. Healthy relationships involve people trying to understand each other, not people trying to win.”