Her Story

Sharing your story is one of the most powerful ways to break the cycle of whakamā (shame) that family violence relies on. In an environment of coercive control, silence is a tool used by the abuser—but your voice is a tool for your freedom.

Why Your Voice Matters

Reclaiming Your Mana: When you speak your truth, you move from being a “subject” of someone else’s control to the author of your own future.
Breaking the Isolation: Family violence thrives in the dark. By sharing, you realize you aren’t alone, and you give others the “permission” to seek help too.
The Power of Evidence: Your story isn’t just a narrative; it is a record of truth. Whether shared privately with a counselor or used to build an evidence matrix, it creates a boundary that protects you.
Helping the Next Whānau: Your experiences provide the insights we need to build better safety tools. Your journey can become the map that helps someone else find their way out.

Your Safety is Paramount

You don’t have to share everything, and you don’t have to share it publicly. Whether it’s through a secure digital diary, a trusted advocate, or a community of survivors, sharing should happen on your terms and at your pace.

“Your story has the power to turn your pain into a purpose, and your silence into a shield.”

This guide is specifically for users submitting their experiences directly to the Safe and Sane NZ website. It focuses on how to contribute to the community while maintaining the highest level of digital and legal safety.

The Website Contributor’s Guide: Sharing Your Story Safely

Sharing your journey on this platform is a powerful act of reclamation. To ensure your story remains a tool for healing and not a risk to your safety, please follow these tactical guidelines before you hit “Submit.”

1. The Anonymity Audit

Our website allows for anonymous submissions, but true anonymity is about the details, not just the name.

The Name Test: Use a pseudonym (a fake name) or simply “Survivor.”
Scrub the Details: Avoid mentioning specific workplaces, local schools, or unique landmarks (e.g., instead of “the café on High St,” use “a local café”).
Change the Timeline: If an event happened on your birthday or a specific holiday, consider describing it as “a few years ago” or “during the winter” to prevent the abuser from identifying the exact moment.

2. Protect Your Legal Journey

If you have an active court case (Family or Criminal) or a Protection Order in place:

Avoid Defamation: Focus on your feelings and the impact of the behavior rather than making specific, unproven criminal accusations against a named individual.
Respect Suppression: In NZ, some court details are subject to automatic suppression. Do not include case numbers or the names of judges/lawyers.
“Impact over Incident”: Instead of detailing a specific physical event that might be part of an ongoing police file, describe the pattern of control and how you found the strength to navigate it.

3. Content Warnings (Manaakitanga)

We want this website to be a safe space for everyone.

Start with a Warning: If your story contains descriptions of physical violence, self-harm, or sexual harm, please include a brief “Content Warning” (CW) at the very top.
Example: “CW: This story discusses financial abuse and physical threats.” This allows other survivors to choose if they are in the right head-space to read it.

4. Digital Breadcrumbs

The “Private Window” Rule: If you are sharing your story from a computer that the abuser has access to, always use Incognito/Private mode and use the “Quick Exit” button on our site if you hear someone coming.
VPN Usage: If you are at a high risk of being monitored, consider using a VPN to hide your IP address while submitting.

5. Ownership and Withdrawal

You Own Your Story: At Safe and Sane NZ, we believe you are the expert of your own life.
The Right to Change Your Mind: If you submit a story and later feel it is no longer safe or you simply want it removed, contact us via the secure portal. We will take it down immediately, no questions asked.

Why Share Here?

By submitting your story to Safe and Sane NZ, you aren’t just “venting.” You are helping us build a more accurate Evidence Matrix of how family violence operates in Aotearoa.

← Back

Thank you for sharing your Her Story.

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story with us. Please know that your voice is deeply valued and your experience helps us build a stronger, safer path for others in Aotearoa. Your trust in this community is a powerful step toward reclaiming your mana and breaking the cycle of silence.

Name

I am in a safe place where I am not being monitored.

I have read the Safe Storytelling Guide.

I understand that if I am in immediate danger, I should call 111 instead of filling out this form.

Story Title (optional)

Your Story(required)

Public: You may publish my story anonymously on the Safe and Sane NZ website to help other survivors.

Research Only: Please do not publish my story. Only use the data (anonymously) to help build evidence for better laws and tools in NZ.

Contact Me: You may email me if you need more information for your research (using my private email provided above).

Writing about your trauma is a brave and heavy act. It is completely normal for your body and mind to react after you hit “Submit.” You might feel a “vulnerability hangover”—a mix of relief, exhaustion, or sudden anxiety.

Here is how to ground yourself and bring your mana back to the present.

1. The “5-4-3-2-1” Grounding Method

If your heart is racing or you feel “spaced out,” use your senses to remind your brain that you are safe in the here and now:

5 things you can see: (e.g., a green leaf, a blue pen, a wooden chair)
4 things you can touch: (e.g., the fabric of your clothes, the cool surface of a table)
3 things you can hear: (e.g., birds outside, the hum of the fridge, distant traffic)
2 things you can smell: (e.g., coffee, a candle, fresh air)
1 thing you can taste: (e.g., a sip of water or a piece of gum)

2. Physical Temperature Reset

Trauma can put your nervous system into “Fight or Flight.” A sudden temperature change can “reset” your system.

Cold Water: Splash cold water on your face or run it over your wrists for 30 seconds.
Warmth: Wrap yourself in a heavy blanket or take a warm shower to feel the “boundary” of your body.

3. The “That Was Then, This Is Now” Mantra

Say these words out loud:

“I am [Your Name]. I am in [Your Town]. The date is [Today’s Date]. I am safe in this room. That was then, and this is now.”

4. Digital Boundaries

Step Away: Close the laptop and put your phone in another room for at least 30 minutes.
Do Not Check: Resist the urge to go back and re-read what you wrote immediately. Let the story rest so your mind can rest.

Need to talk to a person?

If the “hangover” feels too heavy, please reach out to these free, 24/7 NZ services:

Need to Talk? Call or text 1737 to speak with a trained counselor.
Safe to Talk: 0800 044 334 (Sexual harm support).
Youthline: Text 234 (for younger survivors).