In the New Zealand Family Court system, a Lawyer for Child (LFC) is appointed to represent your children’s interests. They are the “eyes and ears” of the Judge.
Abusers often “coach” children or use word-twisting tactics to confuse the LFC. By providing this Fact Sheet, you are helping the LFC identify Coercive Control and Parental Alienation (where the abuser is trying to turn the child against you).
Briefing Note for Lawyer for Child: Patterns of Influence
To: [Lawyer for Child’s Name] Regarding: [Children’s Names] Date: [Current Date]
Purpose: To assist the Lawyer for Child in identifying specific narratives and “coaching” behaviors the children are currently being exposed to while in the care of [Abuser’s Name].
1. Reported “Narratives” (The Lies)
The children have consistently returned from visits repeating the following specific statements:
- The “Blame” Narrative: [e.g., “Dad says we are only poor because Mum took all the money.”]
- The “Gatekeeper” Narrative: [e.g., “Dad says Mum is trying to send him to jail/keep us away.”]
- The “Character” Narrative: [e.g., “Dad says Mum is ‘unstable’ or ‘crazy’.”]
2. Observable Signs of Coaching
Please note the following behaviors that suggest the children are being pressured to “take a side”:
- Adult Language: The children are using phrases unlikely to come from a child (e.g., “parental rights,” “legal custody,” “financial settlement”).
- The “Spying” Pressure: The children have mentioned being asked to report back on [e.g., who visits the house, my work schedule, my phone calls].
- Emotional Guilt: The children express intense worry about [Abuser’s Name]’s “sadness” or “loneliness,” suggesting they are being made responsible for his emotional state.
3. Post-Visit Presentation
Following time with [Abuser’s Name], the children’s behavior changes in the following ways:
- Immediate Re-entry: [e.g., Highly aggressive, deeply withdrawn, or “fawning” (over-apologizing)].
- Confusion: The children seem to have trouble reconciling their lived experience with me vs. the version told to them by their father.
- Physical Symptoms: [e.g., Bedwetting, stomach pains, or night terrors following handovers].
4. Safety Context for the LFC Interview
When you interview the children, please be aware that they may be fearful of “betraying” their father due to:
- The “Secret” Rule: They have mentioned being told “not to tell Mum” about certain things.
- Consequences: They fear that if they speak the truth, [Abuser’s Name] will be “sad” or “get in trouble.”
Tactical Advice for Dealing with the LFC
- Be the “Reasonable” Parent: When you give this to the LFC, say: “I am concerned that the children are being burdened with adult issues. I want them to have a relationship with their father, but I want it to be a safe and child-focused one.” * Don’t Over-Coach: Ironically, the best way to help the LFC see the abuser’s coaching is for you not to coach them at all. Let the children’s confusion be the evidence.
- Request a “View of the Home”: Invite the LFC to visit your home so they can see the “Sanity” and stability you provide firsthand.
The “Sanity” Anchor
“The Lawyer for Child is a professional trained to spot when a child is ‘parroting’ an adult. By providing this list, you aren’t ‘badmouthing’; you are providing clinical observations of your child’s distress. This helps the LFC protect your children from the ‘Word Salad’ at the other house.”
Staying Safe and Sane 