Mediation in the Family Court

In New Zealand, the Family Court takes a very strict stance on mediation when family violence (FV) is involved. It is crucial to know that you cannot be forced into a room with someone who has been violent toward you.

Here is everything you need to know about navigating mediation and the scripts you can use to protect your “Sanity” and “Safety.”

1. The “Safety First” Rule

Under the Family Court Rules, if there is a Protection Order in place or a history of family violence, you are generally exempt from the standard requirement to attend FDR (Family Dispute Resolution) or mediation.

Section 46E of the Care of Children Act: This law states that mediation is not appropriate if it would compromise someone’s safety.
The “Power Imbalance”: The court recognizes that you cannot “negotiate” as equals with someone who uses fear and word-twisting to control you.

If you decide to proceed with mediation anyway:

Shuttle Mediation: You stay in Room A, the abuser stays in Room B. The mediator walks between you. You never have to see or hear them.
Zoom/Digital Mediation: You can attend via video link from a safe location (like your lawyer’s office) with your camera off if necessary.

2. Scripting for Mediation: Dealing with Word-Twisting

If you find yourself in a mediation setting (even via “Shuttle”), the abuser will likely try to use the “Word Salad” confusion tactics. Use these scripts to stay focused on the Safety of the Children.

Scenario A: The Abuser makes it about “Their Rights”

The Abuser says: “She’s just bitter and trying to keep the kids from their father.”
Your Script: “This is not about my feelings or ‘bitterness.’ This is about a documented pattern of behavior that makes the current environment unsafe for the children. I am here to discuss a safety-led parenting plan, not my character.”

Scenario B: The Abuser twists your words (“Word Salad”)

The Abuser says: “You said you wanted me to be involved, now you’re blocking me!”
Your Script: “I said I wanted the children to have a safe relationship with you. Currently, that safety is not guaranteed. I am proposing supervised contact until [Specific Condition] is met.”

Scenario C: When they DARVO in front of the mediator

The Abuser says: “She’s the one who is actually abusive/unstable.”
Your Script (to the Mediator): “This is a common tactic used to divert from the actual incidents reported to the Police. I would like to return to the agenda of the children’s weekend schedule.”

3. Preparing for the “FDR” (Family Dispute Resolution)

Before mediation starts, you will have an Individual Assessment with the mediator. This is your most important moment.

Be Blunt: Do not minimize. Tell the mediator about the strangulation, the threats, the economic control, and the “word-twisting.”
State Your Requirements: Say, “I am only willing to participate if this is Shuttle Mediation and if we focus strictly on the safety requirements of the parenting order.”

4. The “Sanity” Check for Legal Professionals

If your lawyer or a mediator pressures you to “just compromise” or “be the bigger person,” give them the Lawyer Briefing Sheet. You can find this below.

Your Right: You have the right to a Support Person (like a friend or a Women’s Refuge advocate) to sit with you during mediation. They don’t speak, but they provide the “Sanity Anchor” you need to stay grounded.

5. Summary: Your Mediation “Shield”

Tactical Need	Legal/Practical Solution
Avoid the Abuser	Request “Shuttle Mediation” or an exemption.
Stop Word-Twisting	Use “Factual, Formal, Firm” scripts.
Evidence	Bring your Pattern Tracker and Police reports.
Emotional Safety	Bring an advocate from Women’s Refuge.

LAWYER BRIEFING SHEET: Mediation & Safety Parameters

TO: [Lawyer’s Name / Mediator’s Name] FROM: [Your Name] RE: Framework for Mediation and Conflict Resolution

1. Core Principle: Safety Over Compromise

Because of the documented history of violence and coercive control in this relationship, the standard “compromise” model is not applicable here.

Safety is non-negotiable: Any suggestion to “meet in the middle” on matters of physical safety, psychological well-being, or contact boundaries will be rejected.
The Power Imbalance: Please recognize that “cooperation” has historically been used as a tool of control against me. I will not “cooperate” with my own harm.

2. Directives for Legal Counsel

I am hiring you to protect my interests and my safety. I expect the following during mediation:

No Pressure to “Concede”: Do not ask me to “be the bigger person” or “let it go” to reach a settlement. If a proposal feels unsafe or manipulative, I expect you to support my “No.”
Trauma-Informed Communication: If I become overwhelmed or “shut down,” this is a trauma response (freeze). Do not interpret this as agreement. We will pause the session immediately.
Shifting the Burden: The burden of change must lie with the person who used violence. Do not ask me what I can do to make them less angry.

3. Operational Requirements

Shuttle Mediation: I require “Shuttle Mediation” (separate rooms/video calls) so I am not in the direct physical or visual presence of the other party.
No Unmonitored Contact: I will not agree to any “good faith” arrangements that rely on the other party’s self-regulation. All boundaries must be enforceable by the Court.
Veto Power: I reserve the right to end mediation at any moment if I feel the process is becoming a vehicle for further abuse or intimidation.

4. Statement of Intent

“I am here to find a resolution that ensures a stable and safe future. I am not here to ‘keep the peace’ at the expense of my boundaries. I expect my legal team to prioritize my safety and the safety of my children above the speed or ‘success’ of the mediation process.”

How to use this sheet:

Print two copies: One for your lawyer and one for the mediator.
Hand it over early: Give this to them before the session starts.
The “Vocalize” Rule: If they start pressuring you during the meeting, point to the sheet and say: “We agreed that ‘being the bigger person’ is not an option today. Please refer to my briefing sheet.”

Since you are in New Zealand, these additions are specifically designed to align with the Family Court‘s focus on the “best interests of the child” while firmly anchoring those interests in safety.

In NZ, the court has a legal duty under the Care of Children Act 2004 to prioritize safety from violence. This section ensures your lawyer and the mediator don’t “trade” your safety for “shared care” just to close the case.

ADDENDUM: Childcare & No-Contact Protocols

5. Care of Children: Safety-First Framework

No “Informal” Flexibility: Given the history of coercive control, “flexible” or “as-agreed” schedules are not safe. I require a Fixed Court Order with specific times, dates, and locations.
Supervised Handovers: To prevent conflict and intimidation, all handovers must occur at a neutral, third-party location (e.g., a supervised exchange center) or via a trusted third party. I will not have direct physical contact during transitions.
The “Right of First Refusal”: I do not agree to “Right of First Refusal” clauses if they require me to negotiate directly with the other party.
Safety Trigger: If there is a breach of the protection order or any police involvement, all contact must revert to Supervised Contact immediately until a safety review is conducted.

6. Communication & No-Contact Protocols

The “Digital Buffer”: All communication regarding the children must be in writing via a monitored app (e.g., OurFamilyWizard or AppClose).
Scope of Contact: Communication is strictly limited to medical emergencies or essential school updates. Any “personal” messages, “check-ins,” or guilt-tripping will be flagged as a breach of the peace.
Response Window: I am not required to respond to non-emergency messages instantly. A 24-hour response window is the standard to prevent “digital stalking” and harassment.
Third-Party Intermediary: If the situation escalates, I reserve the right to move all communication through legal counsel or a nominated family member only.

7. Specific Prohibitions

No Disparagement: The other party is prohibited from speaking negatively about me to or in front of the children.
No “Messenger” Children: The children are not to be used to relay messages, questions about my personal life, or financial demands to me.

How to Hand This Over

When you give this to your lawyer, say this:

“I need you to understand that in a violent dynamic, ‘flexibility’ is just another word for ‘opportunity to abuse.’ I need these specific, rigid boundaries to protect my peace and the children’s stability. I am not being ‘difficult’; I am being clear.”

A Quick New Zealand Tip:

If there is a Protection Order currently in place, mediation is generally stayed (stopped) unless you specifically agree to it and the court is satisfied with the safety measures. Never feel pressured to waive your rights under a Protection Order just to “get the mediation over with.”

This “Safety Clause” is your legal circuit breaker. In New Zealand, a standard Parenting Order or Separation Agreement can sometimes be too vague to enforce quickly. By adding a specific Enforcement & Default Clause, you take the “guesswork” out of what happens when a boundary is crossed.

You want this drafted into the final Consent Order or Parenting Agreement so that it has the weight of the Court behind it.

CLAUSE: Mandatory Safety Reversion & Enforcement

1. Definition of a Safety Breach: For the purposes of this agreement, a “Safety Breach” includes, but is not limited to:

Any police intervention resulting from the other party’s conduct.
Any breach of a current Protection Order or Police Safety Order.
The use of physical force, intimidation, or coercive threats toward the mother or children.
Documented harassment via digital platforms (OurFamilyWizard, AppClose, SMS, or Email).

2. Automatic Reversion to Supervised Contact: In the event of a Safety Breach as defined above, any unsupervised or overnight care arrangements shall immediately and automatically be suspended. Care shall revert to Supervised Contact at a professional facility (e.g., Barnardos or a Court-approved provider) until:

A safety mid-term review is conducted by the Family Court.
The party who committed the breach provides evidence of completion of a certified “Non-Violence Programme” (as per Section 188 of the Family Court Act).

3. Communication “Blackout” Protocol: If communication is used as a tool for harassment or “gaslighting,” the mother reserves the right to unilaterally terminate direct digital contact. All further communication regarding the children must then be funneled through legal counsel or a nominated third-party intermediary until further notice.

4. Police Assistance & Recovery: Both parties agree that this order may be produced to the New Zealand Police as evidence of the agreed-upon safety boundaries. If a handover is refused or becomes unsafe, the Police are authorized to assist in the safe return of the children to the mother’s primary care.

5. Costs of Breach: If legal proceedings are required to enforce these safety parameters due to a documented breach by the other party, that party shall be liable for all associated legal costs and filing fees.

How to present this to your lawyer:

When you hand this to your lawyer, use this script:

“I want this ‘Safety Reversion Clause’ included in the final order. I need the consequences of a breach to be automatic and clear. I don’t want to have to file a new application every time there is a safety issue; I need the order to protect us the moment a boundary is crossed.”

A Grounding Reminder for You:

Asking for this is not “being difficult” or “being high conflict.” You are creating predictability. In a violent dynamic, predictability is the only thing that creates safety. If he is truly committed to being a safe parent, he should have no problem agreeing to a clause that only triggers if he is unsafe.