Parental Alienation

When children are exposed to “verbal and psychological crossfire”—especially name-calling or gaslighting directed at one parent—it is recognized in New Zealand law as a form of family violence (FV) because of the psychological harm it causes the child.

Here is a structured guide for victims on how to support their children and navigate the NZ support system.

1. Understanding the Impact in NZ Law

In New Zealand, the Family Violence Act 2018 explicitly states that children do not have to be the direct target to be victims.

Witnessing is Experiencing: If a child hears name-calling, sees one parent being belittled, or observes gaslighting, they are “experiencing” family violence.
Psychological Abuse: Gaslighting (manipulating someone into questioning their own reality) and name-calling are classified as psychological abuse. In the eyes of Oranga Tamariki and the Family Court, this is considered harmful to a child’s development and sense of safety.

2. Supporting the Child: Practical Strategies

When a child is hearing negative things about you, your goal is to provide a “stable reality” without stooping to the same level.

The “Safe Base” Approach

Validate their Feelings, Not the Insult: If a child says, “Dad called you stupid,” don’t get into an argument about the word. Instead, say: “It’s okay to feel upset when you hear words like that. In this house, we try to use kind words, don’t we?”
Provide an “Anchor to Reality”: Gaslighting thrives on confusion. Use factual, calm statements. If the other parent tells the child “Mum/Dad doesn’t love you,” you simply reinforce the truth: “I love you very much, and I am always here for you.”
Maintain Boundaries: Avoid “bad-mouthing” the other parent in return. This is known as “adultification” and can cause the child more distress. Focus on being the calm, consistent parent.

3. Legal Protections for the Children

If the verbal abuse and gaslighting are constant, you have several pathways in New Zealand to protect the children’s environment:

Protection Orders

When you apply for a Protection Order through the Family Court, your children are usually included as “Protected Persons.”

A Protection Order doesn’t just stop physical violence; it can explicitly forbid the respondent from engaging in psychological abuse, including name-calling or disparaging you in front of the children.
Breaching the Order: If a Protection Order is in place and the person continues to belittle you to the children, this may constitute a criminal breach, which the Police can investigate.

Parenting Orders

If you are separated, a Parenting Order can include specific conditions:

Non-Disparagement Clauses: You can ask the court to include a clause stating that neither parent is to speak ill of the other in the presence of the children.
Supervised Contact: If the gaslighting and name-calling are severe enough to cause the child psychological distress, the court may order that the other parent’s time with the children be supervised by a professional agency.

4. Specialist Support Services in NZ

Barnardos – “Footsteps to Feeling Safe”

Barnardos offers specific programs for children who have experienced family violence. They help children process what they’ve heard and seen in a way that is age-appropriate.

Website: barnardos.org.nz

Shine or Women’s Refuge

These organizations provide advocates who can help you create a Safety Plan specifically for the children. This includes how to talk to them about the situation and how to keep them safe during “blow-ups.”

Shine Helpline: 0508 744 633
Women’s Refuge: 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843)

Oranga Tamariki (Ministry for Children)

If you are worried that the psychological abuse is reaching a level where the children are being deeply harmed, you can contact Oranga Tamariki for advice. They can provide support to ensure the children’s home environment is safe.

5. Documenting the Behavior

For legal and safety purposes, keep a “Log Book” (safely hidden or on a secure digital app). Record:

What was said: (e.g., “Called me [name] in front of child.”)
When: Date and time.
The child’s reaction: (e.g., “Child became quiet and withdrew to their room.”)

Note for the Manual: Documentation is vital if you ever need to prove to a court that the psychological environment is harmful to the children. In NZ, the “Best Interests of the Child” is the primary factor in all court decisions.

Key Message for Parents

You cannot always control what the other person says, but you can control the “Emotional Weather” in your own interactions with your children. By staying calm and factual, you provide the antidote to gaslighting.

When this happens to a child in New Zealand, there are several terms used by professionals (lawyers, social workers, and psychologists) to describe the situation. Understanding these terms can help you when speaking to the Police, a lawyer, or Oranga Tamariki.

1. Psychological Abuse

Under the Family Violence Act 2018, this is the primary legal term. It covers a range of non-physical behaviors, including:

Disparagement: Constantly belittling or name-calling the other parent in front of the child.
Gaslighting: Manipulating a child’s sense of reality (e.g., telling them something happened when it didn’t, or telling them their other parent doesn’t love them).
Emotional Manipulation: Using the child as a messenger or a weapon against the other parent.

2. Exposure to Family Violence

In NZ, children aren’t just “witnesses.” The law recognizes that if a child hears or sees abuse directed at a parent, they are experiencing it. This is often referred to as “Exposure to FV.” Even if the child is in the next room, if they can hear the name-calling or feel the tension of the gaslighting, they are considered a victim in their own right.

3. Parental Alienation (or Alienating Behavior)

This is a term often used in the Family Court to describe a situation where one parent deliberately tries to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent.

What it looks like: The child is “coached” to hate or fear the other parent, or is consistently told lies about that parent until the child starts to believe them.
The Court’s View: NZ judges take “alienating behavior” very seriously because it interferes with the child’s right to have a meaningful relationship with both parents (provided it is safe).

4. Adultification

This happens when a child is forced into an adult role or “confided in” about adult problems.

The context: If a parent tells a child, “Your mother is crazy and that’s why we have no money,” they are adultifying the child by making them carry the emotional burden of the parents’ conflict. This is considered psychologically damaging as it robs the child of their “right to be a child.”

5. Triangulation

This is a psychological term for when an abuser pulls a third person (the child) into a dynamic to help them control the victim. The abuser uses the child to validate their “reality” and to make the victim feel isolated or “crazy” (gaslighting).

Why These Labels Matter

When you are writing your manual or speaking to authorities, using these specific terms helps clarify the severity of the situation:

Term	Used By	Why it helps
Psychological Abuse	Police / Courts	Sets the legal threshold for a Protection Order.
Harmful Exposure	Oranga Tamariki	Triggers a “Child of Potential Need” assessment.
Alienating Behavior	Family Court	Can influence Parenting Orders and custody.
Emotional Harm	Medical / Schools	Helps teachers and counselors provide the right support.

This is a vital section of your manual. When children are exposed to gaslighting and name-calling directed at a parent, they are often confused about what is “real.”

The goal for the protective parent is to provide a “reality anchor” without engaging in the same toxic behavior. Here is a guide on what to say and how to provide structural support within the New Zealand context.

1. What to Say: “The Reality Anchor” Scripts

Children need to hear calm, factual statements that validate their feelings without forcing them to “choose a side.”

When they hear name-calling:

“I’m sorry you had to hear that. In our family, we believe in using kind words, even when we are angry. It’s okay if that made you feel uncomfortable.”
“Those words are about the person saying them, not about the person they are talking to. You don’t have to believe those names are true.”

When they are being gaslit (told things that aren’t true):

“I know that’s different from what I told you. Sometimes people remember things differently, but I want you to know that [Fact] is the truth. You can trust your own eyes and ears.”
“You might be feeling confused right now, and that’s okay. Let’s focus on what we are doing right now to stay safe and happy.”

When they are told you don’t love them:

“I want you to hear this clearly: I love you more than anything. Nothing anyone says can ever change that. My love for you is a fact.”

The “Not Your Fault” Reassurance:

“Grown-up problems are for grown-ups to solve. It is not your job to fix how [Other Parent] feels or what they say. Your only job is to be a kid.”

2. Structural Supports a Parent Can Provide

In New Zealand, “support” isn’t just emotional—it’s about utilizing the specific community and legal frameworks available.

Establish a “Safe Base” Routine

Gaslighting creates a sense of chaos. Predictability is the antidote.

Visual Schedules: Use a wall calendar so the child knows exactly what is happening each day.
Consistency: Keep mealtimes, bedtimes, and school routines as rigid as possible to provide a sense of external order when their internal world feels confused.

Professional Youth Support (NZ Specific)

0800 What’s Up (0800 942 8787): A free, confidential helpline and online chat for NZ kids and teens. Encourage older children to call if they need to talk to someone who isn’t “part of the situation.”
Barnardos “Footsteps to Feeling Safe”: This is a specialized 8-9 week program in NZ for children (ages 5–17) who have experienced family violence. It helps them build a safety plan and process their emotions.
Skylight Trust: They provide excellent “Resilience Kits” and counseling specifically for NZ children dealing with trauma, change, and difficult family dynamics.

The “School Shield”

Notify the School: You don’t need to share every detail, but telling the teacher or school counselor that there is “significant family stress and some psychological conflict” allows them to monitor your child’s behavior.
Counseling in Schools: Most NZ primary and secondary schools have access to counselors or “Social Workers in Schools” (SWiS) who can provide a safe space for the child during the day.

Safety Planning for Kids

The “Safe Person” List: Help your child identify three people they can talk to if they feel scared or confused (e.g., a grandparent, a favorite teacher, or a family friend).
Digital Safety: If the other parent is using devices to gaslight or monitor the child, work with Netsafe to ensure the child’s privacy settings are secure.

3. Modeling “Reality Testing”

One of the best supports you can give a child experiencing gaslighting is teaching them how to trust themselves again.

Narrate the Day: “It’s a cloudy day today, isn’t it? We can see the clouds.” This simple act of naming shared reality helps a child realize that facts are observable and stable.
Encourage Questions: Let them know it’s safe to ask, “Is it true that…?” Always answer with calm, non-judgmental facts.

A Note

Parental Self-Care as Support: The most significant support you can provide your child is your own stability. In NZ, organizations like Women’s Refuge or Shine offer “Parenting through Violence” advice. When you are supported and calm, you become the “anchor” that prevents your child from being swept away by the other parent’s manipulation.

A safety plan for a child who must spend time with a parent using abusive or alienating tactics is not about the child “fixing” the situation. In New Zealand, the focus is on emotional safety and physical protection while the child is out of your direct care.

This plan should be age-appropriate and presented as a “tool kit” for staying strong and safe.

1. Physical Safety & Communication

If the child is staying at the other parent’s house, they need a way to reach help without escalating the situation.

The “Emergency Check-in” Code: Establish a “safe word” or emoji that the child can text you. If they send it, it means “I need you to call me right now” or “I am feeling unsafe.”
Know the “Safe Exit”: Teach the child where they can go if things get scary (e.g., their bedroom, a bathroom with a lock, or a trusted neighbor’s house).
The 111 Rule: Ensure the child knows that if there is physical fighting or if they are genuinely scared for their safety, they can call 111. Remind them that NZ Police are there to keep children safe and won’t be “mad” at them for calling.

2. Emotional “Armor” Against Alienation

Parental alienation is a form of psychological warfare. The child needs “armor” to protect their bond with you and their own sense of truth.

The “Internal Compass”: Tell the child, “You don’t have to argue back if [Parent] says something mean about me. You can just say ‘Okay’ or ‘I hear you’ on the outside, while knowing the truth on the inside.” This is often called the “Grey Rock” method for kids—being boring and non-reactive so the abuser loses interest.
Keep a “Heart Connection” Object: If allowed, let the child take a small, inconspicuous item that reminds them of you (a specific hair tie, a smooth stone, or a small drawing tucked in a pocket). This acts as a physical anchor to their love for you.
Give Permission to “Play Along”: Explicitly tell your child: “If you feel like you have to agree with [Parent] to stay safe or keep the peace, that is okay. I will not be mad at you. I know what is in your heart.” This removes the “loyalty bind” that causes children immense stress.

3. Reality Testing (The “Journal of Truth”)

Gaslighting makes children doubt their own memories.

The Memory Game: Before they go, talk about a happy memory you shared. When they return, check in on that memory. This reinforces that your bond is real and persistent.
Safe Recording: If the child is older and has a phone, teach them how to use “Notes” or a locked app to write down things that confused them or made them sad. This helps them “unload” the emotional burden and provides a record for you to discuss later.

4. Identifying “Safe People” Outside the Home

The child should know who they can turn to if they are staying in a specific neighborhood or town.

The School Shield: If the child is attending school while staying with the other parent, ensure they know they can go to the school counselor or a favorite teacher if they are feeling overwhelmed by what is being said at home.
Trusted Adults: Identify a “Safe Person” in that area (an aunt, a family friend, or even a local librarian) who the child knows they can talk to.

5. Post-Visit “Decompression”

The transition back to your home is the most critical part of the safety plan.

The No-Pressure Zone: When the child returns, do not immediately ask, “What did they say about me?” This forces the child back into the conflict.
Regulated Re-entry: Provide a calming activity immediately (e.g., a bath, a favorite movie, or quiet drawing time). Let them “shed” the stress of the other house before engaging in deep conversation.
Validation: If the child eventually shares a name or a lie they were told, respond with: “I’m sorry you had to carry that. Thank you for telling me. Let’s put that heavy thought down now.”

Resource List for the Kid’s Kit

0800 What’s Up (0800 942 8787): Make sure this number is saved in their phone or memorized.
Youthline (0800 376 633): For older children and teens dealing with the mental health strain of alienation.

Key Message for the Parent: You are the child’s “Emotional North Star.” Even when they are away and being told lies, your consistency, calm, and refusal to participate in the “bad-mouthing” provides the only evidence they need to eventually see the truth.