In New Zealand, family violence is legally and socially understood not just as a series of “outbursts,” but as a deliberate pattern of power and control. In Aotearoa, we often use the Duluth Power and Control Wheel to visualize how different tactics are used together to “trap” a person.
Violence is the “rim” of the wheel that holds everything together; it is the threat of physical force that gives the more subtle, psychological tactics their power.
1. Coercive Control: The Core of the Wheel
Coercive control is a systemic, ongoing pattern of behavior used to dominate a partner. It is not about “losing control”; it is about taking control.
| Tactic | How it looks in Aotearoa |
| Isolation | Controlling who you see or talk to. In NZ, this often looks like moving you to a rural area where you have no transport, or “bad-mouthing” your whānau so you feel ashamed to call them. |
| Emotional Abuse | Put-downs, gaslighting (making you question your memory/sanity), and “mind games.” The goal is to destroy your self-worth so you feel you “deserve” the treatment. |
| Minimising & Blaming | Saying the abuse didn’t happen, or it wasn’t a big deal (“It was just a push”). They often blame you for the violence (“If you’d just listened, I wouldn’t have hit you”). |
| Using Privilege | Using their status or role to make you feel “less than.” This can involve traditional gender roles (“I’m the man of the house”) or using their high-status job to imply no one will believe you. |
2. Using Children (The Ultimate Leverage)
In NZ, “psychological abuse” of children includes them seeing or hearing violence. Abusers use children as tools for control by:
- Making you feel guilty about the children or telling you that you are a “bad parent.”
- Using children to relay messages or “spy” on you.
- Threatening to call Oranga Tamariki to have the children taken away.
3. Economic Abuse (The Financial Trap)
Money is used to prevent you from leaving or surviving independently.
- Sabotage: Hiding your car keys or destroying your work clothes so you lose your job.
- Control: Making you ask for money or account for every cent spent at the supermarket.
- Coerced Debt: Taking out loans or credit cards in your name (as discussed in our banking section).
4. Cultural & Spiritual Abuse
In our multicultural society, abusers may use your values against you.
- Spiritual: Preventing you from attending church/marae, or using religious texts to justify their dominance.
- Cultural: Threatening to have you deported (if you are on a visa) or telling you that leaving would bring “shame” to your family or culture.
5. Why They Do It: The Myth of “Anger Management”
It is important to know that anger is not the cause of family violence. If an abuser can stay calm at work or with their boss but “loses it” at home, they aren’t losing control—they are choosing where and when to use it.
- The Goal: To make you “predictable” so they can ensure their own needs are always met first.
- The Result: You begin “walking on eggshells,” constantly scanning their mood to stay safe.
The “Equality Wheel”: Healing involves moving toward a relationship (with yourself or a new partner) based on Negotiation and Fairness, Non-threatening Behavior, Honesty, and Shared Responsibility.
Staying Safe and Sane 