How to Use This Resource

This page is designed to support you in layers. We begin with Family Violence information, followed by Sexual Violence information.

Family Harm

When you are living with family harm, it is easy to get lost in the confusion. But there are specific signs that the situation is moving from “difficult” to high-risk.

This happens when an abuser decides they have a “right” to control you and starts giving themselves permission to cross lines they haven’t crossed before. Recognizing these signs isn’t about being “paranoid”—it’s about seeing the reality so you can trust your gut and get safe.

The Signs the “Volume” is Turning Up:

“I’m Allowed to Do This”: They no longer seem sorry after an outburst. Instead, they act like their behavior is a fair reaction to something you did.
The Web Gets Tighter: They are checking your phone more, tracking your movements, or cutting you off from friends and family more aggressively than before.
The Rules Change: Boundaries they used to respect are suddenly gone. They are pushing further to see how much control they can grab.
The “Look” and the “Vibe”: You feel that heavy, silent pressure in the house—the feeling that you are constantly “walking on eggshells” waiting for the next flashpoint.

Why This Matters: Identifying these patterns early helps you clear the “fog” of their excuses. Once you see that the risk is rising, you can stop second-guessing yourself and start focusing on your safety and your sanity.

The NZ Safety Risk Guide: Recognizing the Patterns

1. Background & Statistical Vulnerabilities

These factors create the “gravity” of your situation. They don’t cause the abuse, but they make it harder to escape and often predict higher volatility. Give yourself 1 point for every item.

Life Stage Risks: Partners with a Significant Age Gap (10+ years) or young people (ages 15–25) face higher statistical risks.
The Pregnancy Spike: Risk often escalates during pregnancy or shortly after birth—times when a survivor’s dependency on the partner increases.
Systemic Pressures: Economic Instability (unemployment), Residential Instability (frequent moving), and Low Educational Attainment can limit your “out” options.
Past Patterns: A history of Intergenerational Trauma, Gang Affiliation, Justice System Involvement, or a record of violence toward strangers or authority figures.
Dependency Risks: Disability Status can be weaponized by an abuser to increase your isolation and their control.

2. Tactics of Coercive Control

In NZ, “Coercive Control” is recognized as a pattern of behavior used to dominate a victim’s daily life. Give yourself 1 point for every item.

Psychological Sabotage: Using Gaslighting to make you doubt your reality, Emotional Abuse (insults/shaming), or Threats of Self-Harm to “guilt-trip” you into staying.
The Isolation Strategy: Deliberate efforts to cut you off from Pro-Social Peers and family, and Technological Monitoring (demanding passwords or using GPS trackers).
Financial & Identity Abuse: Economic Control (limiting bank access), Cultural or Spiritual Abuse (misusing tikanga or faith to demean you), and Familial Disrespect (abusing parents/elders).
Behavioral Accelerants: Substance Dependency, Alcohol Misuse, or Medical Non-Compliance (refusing to take psychiatric medication) often lead to unpredictable “blow-ups.”

3. High-Lethality Red Flags

If any of these are present, the risk of a life-threatening incident is significantly higher. These require urgent safety planning. Give yourself 10 points for every item.

Non-Fatal Strangulation: Any history of “choking” or hands-on-neck. This is the #1 predictor of future homicide in NZ.
Extreme Possessiveness: Irrational jealousy and the “If I can’t have you, no one can” mentality.
Stalking & Surveillance: Unwanted following or showing up at your work or the supermarket uninvited.
Hostage Tactics: Threats to Dependents (children or family pets) and Physical Intimidation (punching walls, breaking phones, or using body size to scare you).
Weaponry: The presence of, or access to, firearms or any history of using objects as weapons.

4. Critical “Hidden” Indicators

Give yourself 1 point for every item.

The “Honeymoon” Phase: Sudden, over-the-top affection or “Love Bombing” after an incident to “reset” your boundaries.
Sleep Deprivation: Intentionally waking you up or keeping you awake to weaken your mental resolve—this is a form of torture.
Sexual Coercion: Treating sexual intimacy as an obligation or using force/guilt to override your consent.
The Public vs. Private Split: Being “the nice guy” or “pillar of the community” in public while being abusive at home. This is used to make you feel like nobody will believe you.

5. The “Outlier” Danger Zones

Give yourself 5 points for every item.

High-Conflict Separation: The most dangerous time for a victim is the period immediately following a breakup or the serving of court papers.
Restricted Access: When an abuser feels they are losing access to their “possessions” (you or the children), their tactics often turn desperate and lethal.

6.Patterns of Sexual Coercion & Tactical Harm

These are the “quiet” red flags. They are often dismissed as “relationship issues,” but in reality, they are tactics used to dismantle your boundaries and your sense of self. Give yourself 2 points for every item.

The “Debt” Narrative: They make you feel you “owe” sex in exchange for money, gifts, chores, or “staying together.”
The Persistence Loop: They pester, whine, or guilt-trip you until you give in just to be left alone or to go to sleep.
Sexual DARVO: When you say no, they act like the victim—claiming you are “punishing” them, “withholding” affection, or that you don’t love them.
Boundaries as “Tests”: They push for specific sexual acts you’ve explicitly said “no” to in the past, viewing your boundaries as a challenge to be overcome.
The “Makeup” Reset: Using sex immediately after a violent or emotional outburst to “force” a sense of normalcy before the original conflict is resolved.

Section 7: High-Risk & Lethal Sexual Harm

These are “Red Alert” markers. If these are present, the abuser has moved into a category of extreme risk. These indicators often overlap with the highest levels of physical violence. Give yourself 10 points for every item.

Non-Consensual Force: Using physical strength, pinning you down, or causing pain during intimacy without your enthusiastic, prior consent.
Sexualized Strangulation: Any “hands-on-neck” or choking during sexual activity. Note: Even if it’s framed as “kink,” if there is a history of family harm, this is the #1 indicator of future lethality in NZ.
Reproductive Coercion: “Stealthing” (removing a condom), sabotaging birth control (poking holes in condoms, hiding pills), or forcing/preventing a pregnancy.
Threats & Weapons: Using threats of violence, or the presence of a weapon, to ensure sexual compliance.
Image-Based Abuse (Sextortion): Taking or threatening to share private photos or videos to keep you in the relationship or force you to perform certain acts.

Important: If you are checking off multiple items in the High-Lethality or Separation categories, please reach out to Women’s Refuge (0800 REFUGE) or Shine (0800 284 863) for a confidential safety plan.

How to Score Your Risk Profile

Go back through the NZ Safety Risk Guide and assign points to the factors you identified:

1 Point: The “Pattern” Markers (Sections 1, 2, & 4), Give yourself 1 point for every item that feels familiar or is currently happening. These include background vulnerabilities, tactics of coercive control, and “hidden” indicators like sleep deprivation or love bombing. These points show the “Fog” of the abuse.
2 Points: The “Autonomy” Markers (Section 6), Give yourself 2 points for every item involving Sexual Coercion. Because sexual harm is a major indicator of an abuser’s sense of “ownership,” these are weighted higher to reflect the deeper level of risk to your tapu.
5 Points: The “Outlier” Danger Zones (Section 5), Give yourself 5 points for each of these situational risks. Separation (leaving or recently left) is the highest period of risk in Aotearoa. If this is happening, the “volume” of danger is turned up to a critical level.
10 Points: The “Red Alert” Markers (Sections 3 & 7), Give yourself 10 points for every item in these sections. These include High-Lethality Red Flags (strangulation, weapons, stalking) and Forceful Sexual Harm. These are the most accurate predictors of life-threatening violence in New Zealand.

What Your Total Means: The “Sanity” Scale

Score: 1 – 10 (Monitor & Map)

Status: Rising Tension. You are experiencing the early patterns of coercive control. While there may not be physical violence yet, the “fog” is starting to set in.

The Action: Start a “shadow log” (securely) of incidents. Now is the time to build your “Sanity Toolkit” and set firm boundaries before the pattern hardens.

Score: 11 – 25 (High Volatility)

Status: Entrenched Control. The abuser has granted themselves permission to override your rights regularly. Your mental health and autonomy are likely under constant siege.

The Action: You need a Safety Plan and professional advocacy. The “Honeymoon” phases are likely getting shorter. Reach out to a specialist to discuss “exit pathways” even if you aren’t ready to leave yet.

Score: 26+ (Critical Risk)

Status: Immediate Danger. If you have ticked items in the High-Lethality (Section 3 & 7) list, your safety is at extreme risk. Statistically, the presence of strangulation, stalking, or threats to children/pets indicates that a life-changing event could happen at any time.

The Action: Do not wait for the next “flashpoint.“ This score is a clear signal that the situation has moved beyond your control. Contact Women’s Refuge (0800 733 843) or Shine (0508 744 633) immediately to create a professional safety plan.

The Sexual Harm Risk Guide: Identifying the Violation

Sexual harm within a relationship is rarely about “sex”; it is about power, entitlement, and the removal of your agency. In Aotearoa, sexual harm is a major indicator that an abuser has completely stopped viewing you as a person and started viewing you as a possession.

1. Patterns of Coercive Sexual Control

These are the daily “erosion” tactics used to wear down your boundaries.

The “Obligation” Narrative: Being told that sex is your “duty,” a “requirement” of the relationship, or that you “owe” it because they paid for dinner/bills.
Persistent Pestering: Being worn down by constant asking, whining, or guilt-tripping until you say “yes” just so you can be left alone to sleep.
The “Testing” Phases: They push for sexual acts you have explicitly said you are uncomfortable with, just to see if they can make you do it.
Sexual DARVO: If you say no, they act like you are hurting them. They might say, “You don’t love me,” or “You’re punishing me,” to make you feel like the offender.

2. High-Risk Sexual Red Flags

If these are present, the risk of physical lethality increases significantly.

Non-Consensual Roughness: Deliberately hurting you during intimacy or ignoring your “Stop” or “Slow down” commands.
Sexualized Strangulation: Any hand-on-neck or choking during sexual activity that was not mutually, safely, and enthusiastically agreed upon while outside of a conflict.
Reproductive Coercion: “Stealthing” (removing a condom without consent), sabotaging birth control, or forcing/preventing a pregnancy to tie you to the relationship.
Image-Based Threats: Threatening to share private photos or videos if you don’t comply with their sexual or emotional demands.

3. The “Post-Violence” Sexual Pattern

“Makeup” Sex as a Reset: Using sexual intimacy immediately after a physical or emotional blow-up to “force” a reconciliation before the original issue has been solved.
The Compliance Test: Using sex to see if you are “submitting” again after you tried to set a boundary.

Scoring Your Sexual Harm Risk Profile

Add these to your “Sanity” Scale total above:

Coercive Control (Section 1 & 3): Give yourself 2 points for every item. These indicate that your bodily autonomy is being systematically dismantled.

High-Risk Red Flags (Section 2): Give yourself 10 points for every item.

Note: In NZ, sexual violence is a Tier 1 predictor of homicide. If sexual harm is combined with non-fatal strangulation (from Section 3 of the FV guide), you are in a Critical Risk category.

A Note from Safe and Sane NZ

“Numbers help us see through the fog, but they don’t tell the whole story. If your score is low but your gut is screaming that something is wrong—trust your gut. In my years working in the Family Harm & Sexual Harm system, ‘intuition’ was often our most accurate risk indicator. You don’t need a high score to deserve safety and sanity.”