Staying Safe and Sane

QUICK EXIT

Self-Validation

When you’ve been in a relationship characterized by power and control, your “inner compass” has been intentionally broken. You were trained to doubt your own reality and prioritize someone else’s needs to stay safe.

A Self-Validation Journal isn’t about “getting it right”—it’s about gathering evidence that you are real, your feelings are valid, and you are back in charge.

The “Three-Evidence” Daily Template

Try to answer these three questions every evening. If you’re feeling numb, even a one-word answer is a victory.

1. The Boundary Evidence

  • The Question: What is one small “No” I said today, or one small “Yes” I said to myself?
  • Why: This reminds you that your preferences exist.
  • Example: “I said no to a phone call I didn’t want to take,” or “I said yes to buying the blue toothbrush instead of the white one.”

2. The Intuition Evidence

  • The Question: What did my body tell me today, and how did I listen?
  • Why: Abuse trains you to ignore your “gut.” This retrains you to trust it.
  • Example: “I felt a tightness in my chest when I walked past that street, so I turned around. I trusted my body knew that place wasn’t for me today.”

3. The Reality Evidence

  • The Question: What is one thing I know to be true about today, regardless of what anyone else might say?
  • Why: This is the antidote to gaslighting. You are “staking a claim” on your own memory.
  • Example: “I know that I worked hard today, even if I didn’t finish everything. My fatigue is proof that I gave it my all.”

Journaling for Safety (The NZ Context)

If you are still in a situation where your privacy could be compromised, your journal needs to be a “stealth” tool.

  • The “Drafts” Method: Write your journal in the “Drafts” folder of an email account the abuser doesn’t know about, or in a password-protected app like Day One.
  • The “Notes” Trick: Use the standard Notes app on your phone, but give the entry a boring title like “Grocery List 2024” or “Recipe Ideas.”
  • The Physical Hide: If you prefer paper, use a boring-looking notebook (like a plain school exercise book) and hide it in a place an abuser would never look—like inside a box of feminine hygiene products or tucked behind the spare tire in the boot of the car.

Validation Mantra: “I am the only person who needs to believe my story for it to be true.”