Staying Safe and Sane

QUICK EXIT

Social Media for Kids

The transition period when children move between households is a high-risk time for “digital leakage.” Abusers often use this window to plant tracking devices, activate “Find My” features, or use the children’s devices to gather intelligence on your new location or routines.

This Changeover Digital Checklist is a 3-minute tactical routine to protect your privacy.

Phase 1: Before the Handover (Outbound)

The goal here is to ensure the children aren’t carrying your data into the abuser’s environment.

  • [ ] Log Out of Shared Apps: If the children use your Netflix, Disney+, or YouTube account on their devices, log them out. Abusers can see “Recently Watched” or “Login Locations” to track your habits.
  • [ ] Disable “Hotspot”: Ensure your children’s devices are not set to “Auto-Join” your phone’s hotspot.
  • [ ] Check the Bag: Do a quick physical check of school bags, toy pockets, and coat linings for “mystery” items like AirTags or Tile trackers.

Phase 2: During the Visit (The “Ghost” Period)

  • [ ] Do Not Track: If you have access to their accounts, check that “Location Sharing” is active for safety only if you have a formal agreement, but be aware that if the abuser has the child’s password, they are tracking you if you go to pick them up.
  • [ ] Communication via Primary Channel: Only communicate with the other parent through one agreed-upon app (like OurFamilyWizard or a dedicated email). Do not use the children’s devices to send messages to the abuser.

Phase 3: The Return (Inbound Audit)

This is the most critical phase. Treat any device that has been in the abuser’s “zone” as potentially compromised until checked.

  • [ ] The “Tracker” Sweep:
    • iPhone Users: Check the “Find My” app -> “Items” to see if an unknown AirTag is moving with you.
    • Android Users: Use the “Tracker Detect” or “Unknown Tracker Alerts” in your Google settings to scan for Bluetooth trackers.
  • [ ] The Location Kill-Switch: On the child’s phone/tablet, go to Settings > Privacy > Location Services. Check if any new apps have been granted “Always” access.
  • [ ] Check “Find My” Permissions: Ensure the child hasn’t been “invited” to share their location with the abuser’s Apple/Google ID during the visit.
  • [ ] WiFi Audit: Check the “Known Networks” in the child’s WiFi settings. If the abuser has set up a “Travel Router” or a “Hidden Network,” it may auto-connect to their hardware even once they are back at your house.

Tactical Tip: The “Faraday” Method

If you suspect a device is being used to track your home location but you cannot find the software, place the device in a Faraday Bag (or a simple metal tin/microwave—turned off!) as soon as the children get home. This blocks all signals (GPS, WiFi, Cellular) until you have time to perform a full audit.

Online abuse and cyberbullying are common tools in the cycle of family violence. In Aotearoa New Zealand, these actions are legally recognized as harm under the Harmful Digital Communications Act 2015 (HDCA).

When kids are involved, the goal of the abuser is often to undermine your parenting, track your location, or use the children to cause you emotional distress.

1. Recognize the Signs in Tamariki

Children may not always tell you they are being bullied online because they fear you will take their devices away. Look for:

  • Personality changes: Becoming withdrawn, anxious, or angry after being online.
  • Secretive behavior: Hiding their screen when you walk by or being jumpy when they get a notification.
  • Social shifts: Sudden changes in friendship groups or avoidance of school/clubs.
  • Physical symptoms: Headaches, stomach aches, or trouble sleeping.

2. The Legal Shield (HDCA)

The HDCA covers all digital communications (texts, social media, gaming chats). It is illegal for anyone (including the other parent) to:

  • Use a child’s account to harass you.
  • Post degrading or damaging rumors about your children.
  • Send threatening or offensive messages to your kids.
  • The Penalty: Serious breaches can lead to fines of up to $50,000 or 2 years in prison.

3. Tactical Steps for Parents

  • Screenshots are Evidence: Before you report or block, save copies of the abuse. Ensure the screenshot shows the sender’s name, the date, and the content.
  • Report to Netsafe: Netsafe is the “Approved Agency” in NZ. They can help get harmful content taken down and act as a mediator.
  • Don’t “Freak Out”: If your child shows you something bad, stay calm. If you react with anger or panic, they may not tell you next time. Use it as a moment to build their Digital Mana.
  • Gaming Audit: Check the chat functions on games like Roblox or Fortnite. If the abuser is using these to talk to the kids, you can disable chat or set it to “Friends Only.”

4. Support Services for Kids

If your children are struggling with the emotional weight of online abuse, these NZ services are free and confidential:

  • 0800 What’s Up: A helpline and online chat for kids and teens (ages 5–18).
    • Call: 0800 942 8787
  • Youthline: For older children and rangatahi.
    • Text: 234 | Call: 0800 376 633
  • Hector’s World: A great NZ-made resource for primary-aged kids to learn about online safety.

5. The “Device-Free” Safety Zone

In a family violence context, your home should be a sanctuary.

  • Central Charging: Have all devices (including yours) charge in a common area (like the kitchen) at night. This prevents late-night harassment and “doom-scrolling” through abuse.
  • Safe Words: Have a family “Safe Word.” If the kids see something scary online, they can say the word, and you agree to help them without judgment or taking the device away permanently.

As a parent in Aotearoa New Zealand, you have significant legal and clinical support to protect your children from online abuse. In NZ, online bullying is governed by the Harmful Digital Communications Act 2015 (HDCA), which recognizes that digital harm is just as serious as physical harm.

Here is the essential breakdown of what you need to know and the tactical steps to take.

1. The Legal Framework: Your Child’s Rights

The HDCA is your primary “shield.” It covers all digital platforms (TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, Roblox, Fortnite, and group chats). It is illegal to post or send material that:

  • Discloses sensitive personal facts.
  • Is threatening, intimidating, or menacing.
  • Is grossly offensive, indecent, or obscene.
  • Is used to harass the child or make false allegations.
  • Encourages others to harm or bully your child.

The Reality: If someone (including peers or even the other parent) breaches these principles and causes “serious emotional distress,” they are breaking the law.

2. Signs of Digital Harm in Tamariki

Your child may not tell you they are being bullied for fear of losing their device. Look for these tactical “tells”:

  • Device Anxiety: Being visibly upset, angry, or jumpy after receiving a notification or using their phone.
  • Secretive Behavior: Hiding the screen or switching apps quickly when you walk into the room.
  • Withdrawal: Avoiding school, social clubs, or activities they used to love.
  • Physical Stress: Changes in sleep patterns, appetite, or recurring headaches and stomach aches.

3. The “Tactical Recovery” Checklist

If your child is being targeted, follow these steps immediately:

  • Do Not Delete: This is your evidence. Take screenshots of the messages, the abuser’s profile/username, and the date/time.
  • Freeze Communication: Advise your child not to reply. Engagement often fuels the abuser.
  • Block & Report: Use the in-app reporting tools (e.g., “Report Post” on Instagram) to alert the platform.
  • The “Safety over Tech” Promise: Reassure your child that you will not take their phone away as a “punishment” for being bullied. Fear of losing the device is the #1 reason kids don’t speak up.

4. Who Can Help in NZ?

  • Netsafe (The Approved Agency): This is your first port of call. They provide free, confidential advice and can mediate with platforms or the person responsible to get content taken down.
    • Text: “Netsafe” to 4282 | Call: 0508 NETSAFE
  • The School: Under NZ law, schools must provide a safe environment. This includes “cyber-incidents” that affect the school’s learning environment, even if they happen outside school hours.
  • NZ Police: If there are physical threats, threats of self-harm, or if intimate images are shared without consent, call 111 (emergency) or 105 (non-emergency).

5. Empowering Your Child’s “Digital Mana”

  • Start the Conversation Early: Talk about “Netiquette” as soon as they get a device.
  • The “Front Page” Test: Teach them to never post anything they wouldn’t want to see on a billboard in their local town or on the front page of the news.
  • Safe Charging: Have devices charge in a common area (like the kitchen) at night to prevent late-night “doom-scrolling” or harassment.

This Whānau Digital Safety Contract is a “values-based” agreement. It isn’t a legal document; it’s a tactical tool to build trust. In a family violence context, it ensures that the abuser cannot use “secrecy” or “shame” to drive a wedge between you and your children.

Our Whānau Digital Safety Contract

This is an agreement between [Parent Name] and [Child Name] to help us stay safe, stay kind, and stay connected online.

1. Our “Safety First” Promises

  • The No-Trouble Rule: If I see something “yucky,” scary, or weird online, I will tell my parent/caregiver straight away. I know I will not get in trouble or have my device taken away for being honest.
  • The Stranger Danger Rule: I will not share my real name, my school, our home address, or my phone number with anyone I meet online without asking first.
  • The Photo Rule: I will always ask before taking or sharing a photo of someone else. I will never send a photo of my body to anyone.

2. Our “Kindness” Promises

  • The Billboard Test: Before I post a comment or a photo, I will ask: “Would I be okay with my teacher or my Nana seeing this on a giant billboard?”
  • The No-Bully Zone: I will not use my device to be mean, share secrets, or leave people out. If I see someone else being bullied, I will tell a trusted adult.

3. Our “Healthy Habits” Rules

  • The Public Space Rule: I will use my devices in shared areas (like the lounge), not hidden away in my bedroom.
  • The Bedtime Rule: All devices go to the “Charging Station” in the [Location, e.g., Kitchen] at [Time, e.g., 7:30 PM]. This helps my brain rest.
  • The Password Rule: I will share my passwords with my parent/caregiver. This isn’t because they don’t trust me, but because they are my “Digital Bodyguards.”

4. The Parent’s Promise

  • I promise to listen without getting angry if you come to me with a problem.
  • I promise to learn about the games and apps you love so I can understand your world.
  • I promise to follow these rules too (e.g., no phones at the dinner table).

What happens if we break a rule?

If a rule is broken, we will sit down and talk about it. The consequence might be a “Digital Time-Out” for a few days, but we will always work together to get back on track.

Signed (Child): __________________________ Date: __________

Signed (Parent): __________________________ Date: __________

This version is designed for younger tamariki. It uses simple concepts and visual language to make digital safety feel like a team game rather than a set of scary rules.

My Digital Whare Rules 📱✨

1. The “Tell Someone” Rule

If I see something on my screen that makes me feel sad, scared, or “yucky” in my tummy, I will tell [Parent/Caregiver Name] right away.

  • I won’t get in trouble. * The iPad won’t be mad at me. * We will fix it together! 🤝

2. The “Body” Rule

My body is private.

  • I will never take or send photos of my body.
  • I will always ask before I take a photo of my friends or whānau. 📸❌

3. The “Secret” Rule

The internet is a big place with lots of people I don’t know.

  • I will not tell anyone online my real name, where I go to school, or where I live.
  • Only my “Real Life” friends are my “Online” friends. 🕵️‍♂️

4. The “Sunlight” Rule

Devices are for the lounge and the kitchen, not the bedroom or the bathroom.

  • When the sun goes down, the devices go to sleep in their “bed” (the charger). 😴🔌
  • I use my screen where a grown-up can see the fun I’m having!

5. The “Be Kind” Rule

I use my fingers to type kind words only.

  • If I wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, I won’t type it on the screen. 💖

Parent/Caregiver Promise:

  • I am your Digital Bodyguard.
  • If you show me something scary, I will say “Thank you for telling me.”
  • I will help you stay safe so you can keep having fun. 🛡️

[Child’s Name]’s Handprint/Signature: 🖐️ _________________

[Parent’s Name]’s Signature: ✍️ _________________