Social Media Harm

Receiving abuse and threats on social media is a tactic used to humiliate, isolate, and control you. In New Zealand, the law recognizes that digital violence is real violence.

When an abuser moves the conflict to social media, they are trying to destroy your Taha Whānau (your social support system). Here is how you tactically defend your digital space and use their actions as evidence.

1. The Legal Shield: The HDCA

In Aotearoa, social media abuse is covered by the Harmful Digital Communications Act (2015). It is illegal for someone to post or send digital communications that:

Are intended to cause serious emotional distress.
Are threatening, intimidating, or menacing.
Use “grossly offensive” language.
Post sensitive personal facts about you.

The Reality: The abuser thinks they are “venting” or “telling the truth,” but legally, they are creating a digital trail of their own harassment.

2. “Freeze” the Evidence (Before you Block)

Your first instinct might be to delete the comments or deactivate your account in shame. Don’t do this yet. * Screenshots are Vital: Capture the post/comment, the date/time, and the abuser’s profile name.

Expand the Comments: If people are replying, screenshot the whole thread to show the “public” nature of the humiliation.
Record the URL: Copy the direct link to the post or the abuser’s profile page.
The Evidence Matrix: Log these into your Safe and Sane NZ evidence folder. This proves premeditation and persistent harassment if you ever need a Protection Order.

3. Managing the Platforms

Every major platform (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, X) has tools to help you, but you have to use them tactically:

“Restrict” vs. “Block”: On Instagram/Facebook, “Restricting” someone means they can still comment, but only they can see it. This is a brilliant tactical move because it allows them to keep “venting” (providing you with more evidence) without your friends or whānau seeing the abuse.
Turn off Tags/Mentions: Go to your privacy settings and ensure no one can tag you in a post without your approval. This stops them from “dragging” you into their posts.
Audit your “Friends” list: Abusers often use “flying monkeys” (mutual friends) to spy on you. If you don’t trust them 100%, remove them.

4. Digital “OPSEC” (Operational Security)

Location Privacy: Turn off “Location Services” for all social media apps. Do not “check-in” to places until after you have left.
The Password Purge: If the abuser has ever had access to your phone or computer, assume they have your passwords. Change them all—especially your recovery email.
Two-Factor Authentication (2FA): Set this up immediately. Use an app (like Google Authenticator) rather than SMS if they have access to your phone bill or a shared plan.

5. Who Can Help?

Netsafe: They are the “Approved Agency” under the HDCA. They can contact social media companies directly to get harmful content removed much faster than you can.
- Website: netsafe.org.nz
Police (105 or 111): If the social media posts contain threats to kill, threats of physical violence, or encourage others to harm you, this is a criminal matter.
The Privacy Commissioner: If they are sharing your private information (address, medical info, or workplace), this is a breach of the Privacy Act 2020.

6. Reclaiming Your Mana

The abuser wants you to feel whakamā (shame). They want you to feel like everyone is looking at you.

The Truth: Most people see social media “rants” for what they are: a reflection of the person posting them, not the person being attacked.
Take a “Digital Sabbatical”: If it’s getting too much, log out. You don’t have to be a witness to your own abuse.

This Digital Lockdown Checklist is designed to make you a “ghost” to an abuser while keeping your support networks open.

In New Zealand, the Netsafe and Women’s Refuge “Safe Tech” guidelines suggest these specific steps to regain control of your digital whare.

Step 1: The “Clean Sweep” (All Platforms)

Before changing settings, ensure the abuser isn’t already “inside” your accounts.

Logout Everywhere: Go to Settings > Security/Login and select “Log out of all sessions.” This forces the abuser off your account if they have it open on their phone.
Password Reset: Change your password to something they could never guess (avoid birthdays, pet names, or kids’ names). Use a passphrase like Green-Mountain-99!.
Turn on 2FA (Two-Factor Authentication): Use an App (like Google Authenticator) rather than SMS if they have access to your phone bill.

Step 2: Facebook Lockdown

Lock Your Profile: (If available in your region) This makes your past and future posts invisible to non-friends in one click.
Privacy Checkup: Run the Privacy Checkup tool. Set “Who can see what you share” to “Friends” or “Only Me.”
Timeline & Tagging: Set “Who can post on your profile” to “Only Me” and turn on “Review tags” so nothing appears on your wall without your permission.
Restricted List: If you don’t want to “Unfriend” them yet (to avoid escalation), add them to your “Restricted List.” They will stay your friend but only see your “Public” posts.

Step 3: Instagram Lockdown

Go Private: Settings > Account Privacy > Private Account. Only approved followers can see your content.
Restrict, Don’t Block: Use the “Restrict” feature on the abuser. Their comments on your posts will only be visible to them, and they won’t see when you’ve read their DMs. This is a safe way to gather evidence without them knowing.
Hidden Words: Settings > Privacy > Hidden Words. Add their name, nicknames, or specific abusive words to a custom list. Comments containing these will be automatically hidden.

Step 4: TikTok Lockdown

Suggest Account to Others: Settings > Privacy > Suggest your account to others. Turn all of these OFF. This stops the algorithm from showing your profile to the abuser or their friends.
Direct Messages: Set to “No One” or “Friends.” * Downloads: Turn off “Allow your videos to be downloaded.” This prevents them from taking your content to use elsewhere.

Step 5: The “Location” Kill-Switch (Critical)

The abuser can track you through “Geotags” on photos or apps.

Phone Settings: Go to Settings > Privacy > Location Services. * Turn off “Significant Locations.”
- Set Social Media apps to “Never” or “Ask Next Time.”
Snapchat: Turn on “Ghost Mode” in Snap Maps immediately.
Photo Metadata: When you take a photo, your phone saves exactly where you were. Turn off “Location” in your Camera App settings.

Step 6: The “Evidence Matrix” Reminder

Before you block or delete: If they have posted abuse, take a screenshot that includes their profile name and the timestamp. Send this to your “Secret Safety Email” before you hit the block button.

Final Thought:

You are reclaiming your digital Mana Motuhake. You have the right to exist online without being monitored or harassed.

Abusers often use children as a “backdoor” into your digital life. Because tamariki (children) are often more focused on their games than privacy settings, their devices can become unintentional tracking beacons.

Here is how to audit and secure your children’s digital space to protect your entire whare.

1. Gaming Platforms (Roblox, Fortnite, Minecraft)

These are the most common “hidden” communication channels.

The Risk: Abusers may log into the child’s account from another device to see their location, read chats, or even message you through the child’s profile.
The Audit:
- Change the child’s password and do not share it with the other parent if you are separated.
- Turn off Location Services within the game settings.
- Set “Who can message me” to “Friends Only” or “No One.”
- The Tactical Move: Check the “Logged in Devices” list in the game settings. If you see a device you don’t recognize, log it out immediately.

2. Shared Apple IDs / Google Accounts

The Risk: If your child’s iPad or phone uses the same Apple ID or Google Account as yours (or the abuser’s), they can see every text message you send, your photos, and your GPS location via “Find My.”
The Audit:
- Separate Accounts: Ensure your child has their own account that is not linked to yours via “Family Sharing” if the abuser is part of that “Family” group.
- Location Sharing: Open the “Find My” (Apple) or “Google Maps” (Android) app on the child’s device. Ensure “Share My Location” is OFF or only shared with you.

3. Social Media & Messaging (Messenger Kids, WhatsApp)

The Risk: Abusers often use “Messenger Kids” to send messages to you through the child, bypassing your blocks. They may also ask the child to “take a photo of where you are” to identify your location.
The Audit:
- Parental Controls: In Messenger Kids, you can control the contact list. Remove the abuser if they are using the platform to harass you.
- Metadata: Teach older children that photos they send contain “metadata” (location info). Disable “Location” in their camera settings.

4. “Smart” Toys and Wearables (Gizmopal, GizmoWatch, AirTags)

The Risk: Abusers may hide an AirTag in a child’s school bag or teddy bear, or use a “Smart Watch” to listen in on your home environment.
The Audit:
- The Physical Sweep: Check bag linings, toy battery compartments, and coat pockets for small tracking discs.
- The Tech Sweep: If you have an iPhone, use the “Find My” app to look for “Items Detected Near You.” If you have an Android, download the “Tracker Detect” app from the Play Store to find hidden AirTags.

5. Conversation with the Child (The “Safe & Sane” Way)

You don’t want to scare the child, but you do want to build their digital Mana Motuhake.

What to say: “We are doing a ‘Digital Spring Clean’ to keep our home private. We don’t share passwords or our location with anyone, even people we know, unless we talk about it first. This keeps our ‘digital whare’ strong.”