Spiritual Abuse

When religion or spirituality is used to control, silence, or harm you, it is often called Spiritual Abuse. In New Zealand’s diverse landscape, this can happen in any faith community—including Christian, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and within distorted interpretations of Māori or Pasifika spiritual protocols.

In Aotearoa, your right to religious freedom also includes the right to be safe from harm within your faith.

1. How Religion is Used as a Tool of Abuse

Abusers often “weaponize” sacred texts or traditions to keep you in the “survival loop.” Common tactics include:

Misusing Submission: Using scriptures to demand total obedience or to suggest that a partner has “divine authority” over you.
Enforced Forgiveness: Pressuring you to “forgive and forget” serious violence without the abuser taking accountability or changing their behavior.
Weaponizing Divorce/Separation: Telling you that leaving an abusive situation is a “sin” or will result in spiritual shunning or eternal punishment.
Isolation from Support: Claiming that seeking help from “secular” services (like Police, Refuge, or ACC) is a betrayal of the faith or “shaming” the community.
Spiritual Gaslighting: Telling you that the abuse is a “test from God” or that you aren’t “praying hard enough” to make the violence stop.

2. Your Legal Rights in NZ

The Family Violence Act 2018 recognizes that abuse isn’t just physical.

Psychological Abuse: Using religious threats or control is considered psychological abuse under NZ law. This can be used as evidence to obtain a Protection Order.
Financial Abuse via Tithes: Forcing you to give money to a religious organization while you struggle for basic needs is a form of economic abuse.
Freedom of Belief: You have a legal right to practice your faith—or to not practice it—without being coerced or harmed.

3. Finding a “Safe Crew” (The Waka Metaphor)

If your current religious leaders are siding with the abuser or telling you to stay in danger, they are drilling holes in your waka. You may need to find a new “crew” who understands that safety is a sacred right.

Specialist Advocates: Organizations like Shakti (for migrant/refugee women) or Te Puna Oranga understand the intersection of faith, culture, and safety.
Faith-Informed Therapy: Through ACC Sensitive Claims, you can specifically request a therapist who understands your religious background but prioritizes your safety. You can filter for this on Find Support NZ.
Pro-Safety Clergy: There are many ministers, imams, and priests in NZ who are trained in family violence intervention. They believe that no sacred text justifies violence.

4. Steps to Reclaiming Your Spirit

Safety First, Theology Second: God/the Divine does not require you to be a martyr for an abuser. Your physical safety is the immediate priority.
Trust Your “Wairua”: If a religious teaching feels like it is crushing your spirit rather than lifting it, that is a signal from your wairua that something is wrong.
Document the Spiritual Threats: If the abuser sends you texts using scripture to threaten or guilt-trip you, save them. These can be used in court to show the pattern of psychological control.

Key Support for Religious Contexts

Group	Best For
Shakti NZ (0800 742 584)	Specialist support for Asian, African, and Middle Eastern women where faith and culture overlap.
Safe to Talk (0800 044 334)	Can help you find counsellors who respect your faith but understand spiritual abuse.
The Village Collective	Support for Pasifika communities where church life is central to family structure.
Elder Abuse Helpline	If religion is being used to pressure an older person into giving away assets or enduring neglect.

When religious leaders encourage a victim to stay in a violent situation, they are often committing Secondary Victimization. In New Zealand, while faith is a protected right, no religious leader has the legal authority to overrule your right to safety under the Family Violence Act.

If you are being told to “stay and pray,” “submit,” or “endure for the sake of the marriage,” here is what you need to know to protect your waka.

1. Recognizing “Clerical Collusion”

Sometimes, leaders prioritize the “sanctity of marriage” or the “reputation of the church/mosque/temple” over the life of the person being harmed. This is called Clerical Collusion.

The Scriptural Trap: They may use selective verses to guilt-trip you.
The Accountability Gap: They may offer “couples counseling.” Warning: Standard NZ family violence practice states that couples counseling is dangerous and ineffective when violence is present, as it gives the abuser more information to use against you later.
Silencing: They might tell you that speaking out is “gossip” or “shaming the faith.”

2. Your Legal Sovereignty in Aotearoa

In New Zealand, the law is the ultimate shield for your physical safety.

Protection Orders: A judge can grant a Protection Order regardless of what a priest, imam, or elder says. The court focuses on risk, not religious doctrine.
Mandatory Reporting (for children): If children are in the home, religious leaders who encourage you to stay may be inadvertently increasing the risk of Oranga Tamariki involvement. Safety is the only way to protect your children’s future.
Confidentiality: You have the right to seek help from Women’s Refuge or Shine without informing your religious leaders. These organizations are experts at “discreet” safety planning.

3. Finding a “Pro-Safety” Faith Perspective

Many survivors find that their faith is still important to them, but their current leaders are the problem.

The “Higher Law” of Safety: Most major religions have internal movements (like SAHELYA for Muslim women or Restored for Christians) that argue that God’s primary desire is for the oppressed to be set free, not for them to stay in harm.
Specialist Advocates: Organizations like Shakti are experts at navigating the “pressure” from community leaders. They can act as a buffer between you and your religious community.
Trauma-Informed Clergy: You can ask a secular advocate (like a Refuge worker) if they know of any “safe” faith leaders who understand family violence and will support your choice to leave.

4. Practical Steps to Distance Yourself

If your leaders are pressuring you to stay:

Stop “Reporting” to Them: You are not obligated to give updates to leaders who do not prioritize your safety.
Change Your “Crew”: If your religious space is drilling holes in your waka, it is okay to “dock” elsewhere. You can find spiritual nourishment in private or with a different group that respects your boundaries.
Legal Documentation: If a leader is harassing you to return to an abuser, this can be documented as part of a harassment or psychological abuse claim.

If You Are Being Pressured Right Now

Shine (0508 744 633): They have experience working with people from high-control religious backgrounds.
Shakti (0800 742 584): Specifically for women from Asian, African, and Middle Eastern backgrounds who face community or religious pressure.
1737 (Need to Talk?): Free, anonymous counselling where you can vent about the pressure you’re feeling from your church or temple without judgment.

When a religious leader is pressuring you to stay in an unsafe situation, they are often speaking from a place of tradition or dogma, not from a place of understanding your immediate physical and psychological risk.

In New Zealand, you have the right to set a firm boundary with a faith leader. These “Safety Scripts” are designed to end the conversation quickly and firmly, without getting drawn into a theological debate that might exhaust your energy or leave you feeling “stuck in your headspace.”

1. The “Safety is My Priority” Script

Use this when a leader says you should “pray more” or “endure” for the sake of the faith.

The Script: “I hear your perspective on our faith, but my physical and emotional safety is my primary responsibility right now. New Zealand law and my own wellbeing require me to prioritize a life free from violence. I won’t be discussing my decision to remain separate any further at this time.”

2. The “Professional Advice” Script

Use this when a leader tries to offer “couples counseling” or tells you to ignore the advice of a refuge or the police.

The Script: “I am currently working with specialized family violence professionals and [Police/Advocates]. They have advised me that for my safety, I must remain [away/in a safe house/separated]. I am following their expert guidance to ensure my protection and the protection of my children.”

3. The “Spiritual Boundary” Script

Use this when a leader uses guilt or says that leaving is a “sin” or a “shame on the community.”

The Script: “My relationship with [God/the Divine] is personal. I believe that I am called to live in peace and safety, not in fear and harm. I am stepping away from this conversation now to focus on my healing. Please respect my privacy.”

4. The “Short & Sharp” (Exit Only) Script

Use this if you feel the leader is becoming controlling or if the conversation is causing you to spiral into “The Fog.”

The Script: “I am not open to discussing my living situation or my safety plan today. I need to focus on my recovery. Thank you for your concern, but I have the support I need from my [Advocate/Counsellor/Lawyer]. Goodbye.”

Why These Scripts Work

They Remove the “Hook”: By referencing “New Zealand law” or “Professional specialists,” you move the conversation away from their interpretation of scripture and toward a reality they cannot argue with.
They Assert Your Autonomy: You are reminding the leader that you are the navigator of your waka.
They End the Loop: These scripts don’t ask for permission; they state a fact. Once you have said your piece, you have the right to hang up, stop replying to texts, or walk away.

If They Continue to Pressure You

If a religious leader continues to harass you, call you, or show up at your house after you have asked them to stop, this is harassment and psychological abuse under the Family Violence Act.

Keep a Log: Save any texts or emails where they pressure you to return to the abuser.
Tell Your Advocate: If you have a worker from Shine, Women’s Refuge, or Shakti, tell them about the pressure from the leader. They can sometimes act as a “buffer” and speak to the leader on your behalf to tell them to back off.

A Privacy Notice is a clear, firm circuit-breaker. Its goal is to stop the influx of “check-in” messages, spiritual advice, or pressure to reconcile, allowing you to step out of the “noisy room” of the community and back into the safety of your own waka.

In New Zealand, it is very common for survivors to take a “sabbatical” or a season of privacy from their religious community to focus on ACC Sensitive Claims therapy or physical safety.

Option 1: The “Wellbeing Break” (Soft but Firm)

Best for: A community you generally like, but who are currently overwhelming you with “advice.”

“Hi [Name/Group], I’m reaching out to let you know that I’m taking some personal time away from church/community activities to focus on my health and wellbeing. I won’t be checking messages or taking calls for a while as I prioritize my recovery and peace. I appreciate your prayers/well-wishes, but I kindly ask for full privacy during this season. I’ll reach out when I’m ready to reconnect. Thank you for respecting my space.”

Option 2: The “Professional Boundary” (Formal)

Best for: When leaders or members are specifically pressuring you about the “violence” or “separation.”

“Hello, I am writing to formally request privacy regarding my current family situation. I am currently working with professional support services and following a specific safety and recovery plan. For my wellbeing, I will not be discussing these matters with members of the congregation/community. Please refrain from contacting me regarding my personal life or my relationship. I need this space to focus on my healing journey.”

Option 3: The “Short & Final” (Digital Boundary)

Best for: Sending as a final text before muting or blocking a group chat or a persistent leader.

“Thank you for your concern. At this time, I have decided to take a complete break from all community communications to focus on my safety and my children. I will not be responding to further messages. Please respect this boundary so I can find the peace I need. Wishing you well.”

3 Tips for Sending Your Notice

The “Send and Mute” Strategy: After you send the message, immediately mute the conversation or block the numbers for 24–48 hours. This prevents you from seeing any “guilt-trip” replies that might pull you back into the “Fog.”
Use an “Out of Office” if Needed: If you use email, you can set an automatic reply that says: “I am currently taking a break from email for my wellbeing and will not be responding to messages at this time. If this is an emergency, please contact 111 or Safe to Talk at 0800 044 334.”
Appoint a “Gatekeeper”: If there is one person in the community you truly trust, tell them: “I’ve sent a privacy notice. If anyone asks about me, please just tell them I’m busy focusing on my health and I’m not taking visitors.”

Why This Protects Your Waka

By sending a notice, you are taking the hoe (paddle) back. You are telling the community that you decide who has access to your story and your headspace. In NZ, your right to privacy is a key part of your safety plan.

When you are taking a break from a religious or family community in New Zealand, your digital footprint can sometimes be used by others to “check in” on you, monitor your movements, or pressure you to return.

In NZ, Netsafe and specialized advocates often recommend a “Digital Lock-down” to ensure your waka stays private while you heal.

1. The “Community Cleanup” (Social Media)

Even if you aren’t posting, your “Online” status or “Last Seen” can give away information.

Facebook/Instagram: * Go to Settings > Privacy > Activity Status and turn it OFF. This stops people from seeing exactly when you are awake or active.
- Review your “Friends” list: If there are “flying monkeys” (people who report back to the abuser or religious leaders), remove or block them.
- Change “Tagging” Settings: Set your profile so that no one can tag you in a photo or post without your approval. This prevents others from “outing” your location at a café or park.
WhatsApp: * Change your “Last Seen” and “Online” status to “Nobody.”
- Turn off Read Receipts (the blue ticks) so people don’t know if you’ve seen their pressure messages.

2. Location Privacy (The Physical Trail)

Google Maps/Apple Find My: Check if you are accidentally sharing your location with a “Family Group” or a partner. In your phone settings, go to Location Services and see which apps have access.
Turn off “Significant Locations”: On iPhones, your phone keeps a log of where you go most often. Go to Settings > Privacy > Location Services > System Services > Significant Locations and clear the history, then turn it off.
Check Your Photos: When you take a photo, it often saves the “Metadata” (exactly where you were). If you send a photo of a sunset to a friend, they might be able to see your exact GPS coordinates. Turn off “Location” for your Camera app.

3. Securing Your Accounts

If the abuser or a “helpful” community leader knows your passwords, they can read your emails or messages.

The “Log Out of All Devices” Move: Go into your Google, Facebook, and Apple ID settings and select “Sign out of all other sessions.” This forces everyone else out of your account.
Two-Factor Authentication (2FA): Set this up so that even if someone has your password, they can’t log in without a code sent to your phone.
Recovery Email: Ensure your “Recovery Email” isn’t an account the other person has access to.

4. Dealing with “Digital Harassment”

In New Zealand, the Harmful Digital Communications Act protects you. If a religious leader or family member is flooding your phone with unwanted messages after you’ve asked them to stop:

Do Not Delete: Take screenshots of the messages and save them in a “Hidden” folder or send them to a trusted advocate.
Report to Netsafe: You can contact Netsafe NZ (text ‘Netsafe’ to 4282) for free, confidential advice on how to stop online harrassment.

Your “Radio Silence” Checklist

[ ] Mute the main community group chats.
[ ] Block the 3 most persistent “pressure” callers.
[ ] Change your Facebook profile to “Private” (Friends only).
[ ] Update your password for your primary email.