Stay at Home Mum

For a stay-at-home mum (SAHM) in New Zealand, the barriers to leaving a violent relationship often feel insurmountable due to financial dependence and the fear of losing your children.

In Aotearoa (2026), the system recognizes Economic Abuse and Coercive Control as serious harms, and there are specific legal and financial safety nets designed to catch you and your tamariki.

1. Financial Survival (The “Safety Net”)

As a SAHM, your biggest fear is often: “How will I buy milk or pay rent if I have no job?”

Emergency Benefit: If you leave, you can immediately apply for the Sole Parent Support benefit via Work and Income (WINZ). You do not need to wait for a formal separation.
Transition to Safety Grant: This is a one-off payment (up to $1,500 per year) to help with the costs of moving, such as a bond, rent in advance, or essential appliances. You do not have to pay this back.
Child Support: Once you separate, you are entitled to child support from the other parent. If you are on a benefit, Inland Revenue (IRD) manages this. If there is a risk of violence, you can apply for an exemption from seeking child support to keep your location hidden.

2. Protecting Your Children (The Family Court)

The law in NZ recognizes that children who witness violence are victims of violence.

Protection Orders: When you apply for a Protection Order, your children (under 18) are automatically included as “protected persons.” This means the abuser cannot use the kids to get to you.
Parenting Orders: You can apply for an urgent (without notice) Parenting Order at the same time. The judge can order that any contact the children have with the other parent must be Supervised at a professional center to ensure they are safe.
Oranga Tamariki: If you are worried about “the system” taking your kids—know that their priority is keeping children in a safe home. By seeking help and creating a safety plan, you are demonstrating that you are a protective parent, which is exactly what Oranga Tamariki and the Court look for.

3. Housing Rights

Occupation & Furniture Orders: You don’t always have to be the one to move. With a Protection Order, you can apply for an Occupation Order, which allows you and the kids to stay in the family home while the abuser is legally required to leave. A Furniture Order ensures you keep the fridge, beds, and washing machine.
2-Day Tenancy Exit: If you are renting and need to flee, you can end your tenancy with just 2 days’ notice by providing evidence of family violence (like a letter from a doctor or Women’s Refuge). You will not be liable for rent after those 2 days.

4. Tactical Preparation for SAHMs

The “Grocery” Go-Bag: Since you likely do the household shopping, use that time to slowly move essentials (birth certificates, spare keys, cash) into a bag hidden at a trusted neighbor’s house.
Digital Privacy: If you share a “Family Apple ID” or Google account, your partner can see your location and messages. Create a new, private email address today for communicating with lawyers or WINZ.
School/Daycare: Once you leave, give the school a copy of your Protection Order immediately. They are legally required to prevent the respondent from picking up the children.

5. Essential “SAHM” Contacts

Work and Income (WINZ): 0800 559 009 (Ask for the “Family Violence” specialist).
Women’s Refuge: 0800 733 843 (They can help you find a safe house that accepts children).
Vinnies (St Vincent de Paul) or Salvation Army: Excellent for immediate help with food parcels, nappies, and school uniforms.

This guide is designed for a stay-at-home mum to help her children stay safe without inducing trauma or fear. In the NZ context, this is often called a “Keeping Ourselves Safe” plan.

The goal is to frame safety as a “skill” or a “game” rather than a response to a specific person’s behavior.

A Mother’s Guide: The “Super-Safety” Plan for Kids

1. The “Secret Word” Game

Establish a family code word that sounds normal in conversation but means “Go to your safe spot now.”

The Code Word: Pick something like “Pineapple” or “Should we have pancakes?”
The Instruction: “When I say the secret word, it’s like a game of hide-and-seek. Your job is to go straight to your [Safe Spot] as fast and quiet as a mouse.”

2. Finding the “Safe Spot”

Help your children identify a room in the house that they can go to when things get “loud” or “scary.”

Where: Ideally a room with a lock (like a bathroom) or a room with an exit (like a bedroom with a window or door to the outside).
The Rule: “The Safe Spot is just for you. Stay there until I come and get you or until you hear [specific signal, like a song you hum].”
Avoid: Tell them to stay away from the kitchen (where there are sharp things) or small spaces where they could be trapped.

3. The “Help” Button

Teach them how to get help in a way that feels like a superpower.

111 Training: If they are old enough, show them how to dial 111 on your phone.
- Script: “If Mummy can’t get to the phone and you are scared, press these three numbers. Tell the nice person your name and that you need help at [Address].”
The Trusted Neighbor: Identify a “Safe House” nearby.
- Action: “If you can’t get to the phone, run to Mrs. Jones next door. She is our Safety Friend.”

4. The “Not My Job” Rule

One of the biggest risks is children trying to “protect” their mum by getting in the middle of a fight. You must release them from this burden.

The Conversation: “I am the grown-up, and it is my job to keep you safe. Your only job is to get to your Safe Spot. You help me the most by staying safe and out of the way.”

5. Practice (Roleplay)

Once a week, practice the plan so it becomes muscle memory.

“Okay guys, let’s practice our ‘Fire Drill’ (or ‘Pineapple Drill’). 1, 2, 3… go!”
Give them a high-five or a sticker when they reach their safe spot quickly. This removes the “scary” association and replaces it with a sense of competence.

Age-Appropriate Scripting

Age Group	How to Explain It
Toddlers (2–4)	“Sometimes big people get very loud and it feels a bit scary. When that happens, I want you to go to your ‘Cosy Corner’ with your teddy and stay there until I come for a cuddle.”
Primary (5–10)	“We are making a Safety Plan, just like we have at school for fires. If things get too loud at home, use our secret word. Your job is to go to your room and stay away from the ‘loudness’ so I know you’re okay.”
Tweens/Teens (11+)	“I need you to be my teammate in keeping the house safe. If things escalate, I want you to take your siblings to the [Location] and call 111 if you think it’s necessary. Don’t try to stop the argument yourself.”

Next Step for You

If you have a Protection Order, remember to give a copy to the school or daycare. This ensures the teachers are part of the “Safety Team” and won’t let the children be picked up by the other parent.

This letter is designed to be scannable and neutral. It focuses on the safety of the child and the legal obligations of the school, allowing you to establish boundaries without needing to share distressing personal details.

Letter to the School Principal / Childcare Centre

To: [Principal’s Name / Manager’s Name] School/Centre: [Name of School] Date: [Current Date]

RE: Safety and Contact Arrangements for [Child’s Full Name]

Dear [Principal’s Name],

I am writing to formally update you regarding the safety and care arrangements for my child, [Child’s Name], who is in [Year Level/Room Number].

Due to a change in our family circumstances involving family violence, I need to ensure that the school is aware of the following protective measures to keep [Child’s Name] safe while in your care.

1. Legal Orders in Place

[Choose the option that applies]:

Protection Order: A Protection Order has been issued by the Family Court which includes [Child’s Name] as a protected person. I have attached a copy of the Order for your confidential records.
Parenting Order: There is a Parenting Order in place that specifies [Respondent’s Name] is not permitted to have contact with the child at this time [or only through supervised contact].

2. Restricted Contact & Collection

Under the conditions of these legal orders, [Respondent’s Name] is not permitted to:

Collect [Child’s Name] from school/daycare.
Approach or enter the school grounds.
Have any contact with [Child’s Name] during school hours or at school events.

3. Emergency Contact Protocol

If [Respondent’s Name] approaches the school, attempts to collect [Child’s Name], or contacts the school regarding [Child’s Name], please follow these steps:

Deny access to the child immediately.
Call 111 and inform the Police that there is a breach of a Protection Order occurring on school grounds.
Notify me immediately on [Your Phone Number].

4. Privacy & Information Sharing

I request that my current address and contact details remain strictly confidential and are not shared with anyone outside of the essential school staff. Please also ensure that school newsletters or reports are not sent to [Respondent’s Name] if the legal order prohibits such contact.

Thank you for your support in maintaining a safe and stable environment for [Child’s Name] during this time. I am happy to meet briefly to discuss a specific Safety Plan for drop-offs and pick-ups if that would be helpful for your staff.

Yours sincerely,

[Your Name] [Your Phone Number]

Action Steps for You:

The “Handover”: Don’t just email this; if possible, hand it to the Principal or the School Office Manager in person so you can see their face and know they understand the seriousness.
Photo Identification: If the school staff do not know what the respondent looks like, it is highly recommended to provide a printed photo of them to keep on the child’s file so they can identify them at the gate.
The “Red Flag” on the File: Ask the school to put a “Red Flag” or “Alert” on your child’s digital file (like SMS or Hero) so that any relief teacher or office staff is immediately alerted if someone tries to pick them up.