Staying Safe and Sane

Even when they aren’t hitting you, your body is paying the price. Living in “survival mode”—always watching their mood and walking on eggshells—wears you out. It causes heart issues, exhaustion, and makes you get sick more often. Your body is staying “on guard” to protect you, but it can’t do that forever.

When the harm is sexual, the toll on your body isn’t just about “exhaustion”—it is about a deep, physical disconnection. In New Zealand, we often speak of this as a violation of your Manawa (the seat of your emotions) and your Tinana (physical body).

Here is the additional information to include regarding the “invisible” physical toll of sexual harm:

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The Body Keeps the Score: Sexual Harm

When your bodily autonomy is ignored, your nervous system doesn’t just “forget” it. It stores the trauma in your muscles, your hormones, and your internal organs. You might experience:

• The “Body-Armor” Effect: Chronic pelvic pain, lower back tension, or a “tight” chest. This is your body physically trying to create a shield against further violation.
• Hyper-Vigilance of Touch: Finding yourself flinching at “safe” touches (like a hug from a friend) or feeling a sudden “phantom” sensation of skin-crawling.
• Dissociation (The “Ghost” State): Feeling like you are floating outside your body or that your body doesn’t belong to you. This is a survival mechanism—your mind “leaves” the room because the physical reality is too much to bear.
• Hormonal Chaos: Sexual harm often disrupts your reproductive cycle, leading to irregular periods, severe PMS, or a complete loss of libido. Your body is essentially “shutting down” the systems it thinks are under threat.
• The Gut-Brain Link: Chronic nausea, IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), or a “sick to your stomach” feeling whenever the abuser is near. Your gut is often the first part of your body to signal that your tapu is being violated.

Why This Happens: The “Shut Down” Response

During an incident of sexual harm, your brain may trigger a “Freeze” or “Flop” response. This isn’t a choice; it’s a biological override.

• The Toll: Afterward, your body may stay in this “shut down” state for days or weeks, leading to profound lethargy, “brain fog,” and a feeling of being “numb” to the world.

Sexual Resistance: The “Quiet” Survival Skills

In the context of sexual harm, resistance is about minimizing damage and preserving your spirit until you can reach a safe space.

1. Understanding the “Freeze and Flop” Response

If you find yourself unable to move, speak, or fight back during an incident, this is not “consent.” It is a biological survival state called Tonic Immobility (Freeze) or Quiescent Immobility (Flop).

• The Strategy: Your brain has decided that fighting or screaming will escalate the violence. By “freezing,” your body often numbs itself to pain. This is a highly successful survival tactic, not a lack of willpower.
• The Mental Shield: Many survivors describe “leaving their body” or staring at a fixed point on the wall. This is Dissociation. It is your mind’s way of protecting your inner tapu from what is happening to your physical tinana.

2. Strategic Compliance (The “Path of Least Harm”)

Just as you might de-escalate a shouting match by agreeing with an abuser, you might “comply” with sexual demands to prevent a physical beating or to protect children in the next room.

• The Reality: This is Coerced Consent, which is not legal consent. Using compliance to stay alive or prevent a “blow-up” is a valid and brave form of strategic safety.

3. The “Medical” Exit Plan

Strategic resistance includes knowing how to access help afterward without escalating the abuser’s suspicion.

• The “Script”: If you need to go to a SAATS (Sexual Abuse Assessment and Treatment Service) clinic, you might use a “neutral” medical excuse like “I think I have a bladder infection” or “I need to go to the pharmacy for some stomach meds.”
• The Evidence: If you are not ready to report to the Police, you can still have a “self-referral” forensic exam. In NZ, these can be held for months, giving you time to get to a safe location before deciding your next legal move.

4. Reclaiming Your Voice (Post-Incident)

Resistance continues after the event. It looks like:

• Telling one “Safe Person”: Breaking the silence is a massive act of resistance.
• The “Not My Fault” Mantra: Actively rejecting the shame the abuser tries to place on you. In Aotearoa, your tapu is yours; it can be crowded or bruised, but it remains yours.