In Aotearoa, we are often raised with the values of manaakitanga—to be high-energy, welcoming, and emotionally present for our whānau. But when you are navigating family harm or sexual coercion, that very openness can be weaponized against you.
The Kōhatu Method is a cultural and psychological shield. It is the radical act of becoming as still, as solid, and as uninteresting as a kōhatu (stone) on the side of the road.
By withdrawing your emotional “fuel,” you protect your inner tapu and signal that the perpetrator no longer has access to your soul.
What is the Kōhatu Method?
Perpetrators of harm often feed on your reactions—your tears, your explanations, or your anger. This “emotional supply” gives them a sense of dominance.
When you move into Kōhatu mode, you stop the exchange. You remain physically present but spiritually unreachable. You become a blank surface that reflects nothing back to them, eventually starving the conflict of the energy it needs to escalate.
How to Practice the Kōhatu Method
1. Whakawātea (The Information Diet)
Stop sharing your “Inner World.” Your dreams, your fears, and your daily wins are taonga—precious treasures. Do not cast them before someone who uses them as weapons.
- The Strategy: Keep all talk to “logistics” only. Talk about the weather, the washing, or the groceries.
- The Boundary: If they ask how you feel, your internal answer is: “That information is no longer for you.”
2. The “Short & Factual” Script
In Te Ao Māori, we value oratory and explanation. The Kōhatu Method asks you to set that aside. This is when they attempt to provoke you or they are fishing for a reaction. They want you to defend your mana so they can call you “aggressive.”. It is a tactic used to strip the survivor of their standing (tūrangawaewae) while the perpetrator puts on a mask of the wronged party. Respond with non-committal anchors.
- The Scripts: “Āe,” “I see,” “That is your perspective,” or “I don’t have an opinion on that.”
- The Goal: Give them no “hook.” Without a hook, they cannot reel you into the argument.
3. Protecting the Kanohi (Visual Disconnection)
While kanohi ki te kanohi (face to face) is our usual way, in a conflict, deep eye contact can be a vulnerability.
- The Action: Maintain a “Flat Face.” Do not frown, cry, or smirk. Look at their shoulder or past them. You are non-verbally signaling that your wairua is not present for this confrontation.
4. The PUKE Method: Guarding Your Mana
In many settings, we are taught that “talking it out” shows respect. But when someone is using power and control, your explanation is not a bridge—it is intel. The moment you try to prove your side; you have handed them the remote control to your emotions. Use the PUKE method to remain as immovable as the landscape.
- P – Pūmau (Be Steadfast): You do not need to provide “proof” for your boundaries. Your decision is final. That requires no justification.
- U – Utu Kore (No Fuel): In Te Ao Māori, utu is a return or an exchange. When you stay Utu Kore, you refuse to “pay” the perpetrator with your anger or tears. You give them no emotional currency to trade with.
- K – Kaitiaki (Guardian): Stop “defending” your character. Your mana is inherent; it was given to you by your ancestors and it does not need a perpetrator’s validation. Be a Kaitiaki (guardian) of your mana by refusing to put it on trial.
- E – Eke Panuku (Move Beyond): Don’t get caught in the “fog” of their lies. Acknowledge they have spoken with a simple, “I hear you,” and then Eke Panuku—move beyond the bait and physically leave the space.
The Kōhatu Move: When they make a ridiculous accusation, do not scramble to fix their version of the truth. A stone does not argue that it is a stone; it simply sits. By staying silent, you are communicating: “My inner world is tapu (restricted), and you no longer have the clearance to enter.”
The moment you try to explain your side; you have handed them power.
- The Kōhatu Move: When they make a ridiculous accusation, do not defend your mana—your mana is inherent and does not need theirs or anyone’s validation. Simply say, “I hear you,” and move to another room.
Why This Works: Mental Shielding
The Kōhatu Method allows you to “play a part” on the outside while keeping your true self safe on the inside. It is a form of Mental Shielding. While you are being a “boring stone” to the perpetrator, your mind is free to focus on your Exit Plan and your future.
⚠️ A Critical Safety Warning (Kaitiakitanga)
The Kōhatu Method is a tool for managing a situation, not for fixing the person causing harm.
- The Risk of Escalation: If an abuser is used to you being reactive, they may “turn up the volume” to force a reaction. They may get louder or meaner to try and break your “Kōhatu” shell.
- The Pivot: If you feel that being still is making them more physically violent or sexually aggressive, stop immediately. * Strategic Compliance: Switch to “Strategic Compliance”—saying what they want to hear to lower the immediate heat. Put all your energy into your physical safety and leaving the environment.
Reclaiming Your Mana
You are not a “stone” because you are cold; you are a Kōhatu because you are protecting the sacred fire within you until you reach a place where it can burn safely again.
Need to talk?
- Safe to Talk: Text 4334 (24/7 Sexual Harm Support)
- Women’s Refuge: 0800 REFUGE
- Shine: 0508 744 633
- Hey Bro: 0800 439 276 (For those who want to stop their own violence)
Staying Safe and Sane 