Staying Safe and Sane

QUICK EXIT

The Lead Up

In the lead-up to a family violence event, abusers often follow a predictable pattern. This phase is frequently called the “Tension Building” phase. For a survivor, this is the time when you feel like you are “walking on eggshells.”

Understanding the signs of this lead-up is not about preventing the violence (because the abuser’s choice is not your fault), but about predicting the risk so you can get yourself and your tamariki to safety.

1. The Warning Signs (The “Atmospheric” Shift)

In New Zealand, we often see these specific behaviors as the tension climbs:

  • The “Mood Heavy” House: You feel a shift in the air. You might find yourself frantically cleaning, silencing the kids, or preparing specific meals just to keep the peace.
  • Increased Micro-regulation: They start critiquing tiny things—how you parked the car, how much you spent at Pak’nSave, or who you were texting.
  • The “Quiet Rage”: Sulking, the “silent treatment,” or heavy sighing. This is designed to make you ask, “What’s wrong?” so they can initiate a conflict.
  • Withdrawal of Resources: They might take the car keys “to get them fixed,” change bank passwords, or “accidentally” break your phone.

2. The “Escalation Ladder”

Violence rarely happens in a vacuum. It follows a ladder of increasing intensity:

  1. Verbal/Emotional: Name-calling, sarcasm, or mocking your mana.
  2. Property Damage: Slamming doors, kicking walls, or breaking items that are precious to you (often called “symbolic violence”).
  3. Threats: Indirect threats (“I don’t know what I’ll do if you keep this up”) or direct threats regarding the kids or pets.
  4. Physical Proximity: “Looming” over you, blocking doorways so you can’t leave the room, or getting “too close” to your face while speaking.

3. Strategic Safety Planning (The “Pre-Event” Move)

If you feel the tension building, your priority is Physical Exit Strategy.

  • The “Go Bag” (Hidden): Keep a small bag with essentials (ID, spare keys, cash, medication, and a toy for the kids) hidden in a place you can grab it—like the bottom of a laundry basket or at a neighbor’s house.
  • The “Safe Room” Identification: If you cannot leave the house, identify rooms with an exit (window or door) and avoid rooms with no exit or rooms with “weapons” (like the kitchen or garage).
  • The Code Word: Establish a code word with a trusted friend or neighbor. If you text them “The milk has gone off,” they know to call 111 for you immediately.

4. Understanding “Strangulation” and “High Risk”

In NZ law, Non-fatal Strangulation is a specific, serious crime because it is the #1 predictor of future lethality. If the abuser has ever put their hands near your neck, or if the lead-up involves “choking” threats, you are in a high-risk category.

  • Observation: If the tension involves “breath-taking” or “neck-touching,” do not wait for the event. Leave immediately if possible.

5. Digital Safety in the Lead-Up

  • Check for “Ghosting”: Abusers often install spyware or “Find My Phone” tracking during the tension phase to ensure you aren’t planning to leave.
  • Clear Your History: If you are searching for “Women’s Refuge” or “Police,” use the Shielded Site (the icon at the bottom of major NZ retail sites) so your search history remains blank.

6. Contacting the “First Response”

If you feel the event is imminent:

  • Call 111: You do not have to wait for a hit to occur. If you are afraid, the Police can attend to “Keep the Peace” while you leave.
  • Silent 111 (The “55” Trick): If you call 111 but cannot speak because the abuser is listening, press 55 when prompted. This tells the operator it is a genuine emergency and they will track your location to send help.

Remember: You are an expert in your own safety. If your “gut” says the tension is reaching a breaking point, trust it. You do not need a “reason” to leave other than feeling unsafe.

Quick Exit

In a “High Tension” moment where you have 60 seconds to exit, your brain will likely be in a “fog.” This checklist is designed to be as minimal as possible—only the things that are hard to replace or vital for the first 24 hours.

The “60-Second” Quick-Exit Checklist

  1. Communications: Your phone and a charger (even a broken/unpaid phone can call 111).
  2. Money & ID: Your wallet/purse (EFTPOS cards, ID) and any spare cash you have hidden.
  3. Medication: Any daily essential meds for you or your tamariki.
  4. The “Safety Paper”: A physical copy (or photo on your phone) of your Protection Order.
  5. Keys: Your car keys and house keys.

The “Go-Bag” Strategy (Prepared in Advance)

If you have time during a “Calm” phase, pack a small backpack (like a school bag) and hide it in a “neutral” spot—at a friend’s house, in the boot of your car, or at the back of a high cupboard.

Essential Documents (Keep in a waterproof snap-lock bag):

  • Passports and Birth Certificates (yours and the children’s).
  • Bank account numbers and a recent pay slip.
  • A list of emergency phone numbers (don’t rely only on your phone’s memory).
  • Your IRD number.

For the Children:

  • A “Comfort Item” (their favorite small teddy or blanket).
  • Spare nappies/formula and one change of clothes.

For Your Safety:

  • A spare SIM card or a cheap “pre-pay” phone (around $20–$40 at supermarkets) that the abuser doesn’t know about.

Strategic Tips for the Exit Moment

  • The “55” Silent Call: If you call 111 but cannot speak because the abuser is near, press 55 on your mobile. The police will treat this as an emergency and track your location.
  • Avoid the “Trap” Rooms: If the tension is high, stay away from the kitchen (knives/sharp objects) and the bathroom (no exit/hard surfaces). Try to move toward a room with a window or an external door.
  • Vehicle Readiness: If you have a car, try to keep the fuel tank at least half-full. Park facing “out” (reversed in) so you can drive away immediately without needing to back out.

Important NZ Resource: If you have to leave everything behind, remember that Westpac, ANZ, and BNZ have “Extra Care” teams that can open an account for you without ID if you are referred by a refuge or the Police.

Where to Go Immediately

  1. The nearest Police Station: They are safe havens and can call a refuge for you.
  2. A 24-hour Supermarket or Hospital: These are public, well-lit, and have CCTV.
  3. A “Safe Person”: A friend or neighbor you have previously agreed to go to.

Next Step

Apply for an “Urgent (Without Notice) Protection Order as soon as possible.