Why their past is a reason, but never an excuse.
This page addresses the “Sad-Fishing” tactic—where a perpetrator uses their own history of being a victim (of bad parents, foster care, or past abuse) to bypass your boundaries.
1. The “Trauma-Shield” Tactic
When a perpetrator brings up their “bad upbringing” during a conflict, they are performing a Strategic Hijack. They are moving the spotlight off the person they just hurt (You) and onto the person they used to be (The Victim).
- The Goal: To make you feel like the “abuser” if you hold them accountable.
- The Reality: Their trauma is a medical explanation for their struggle, but it is not a legal or moral license to harm you.
2. Understanding “The Choice”
There is a common myth that violence is an “uncontrollable cycle” passed down from parents. This is factually incorrect.
- The Research: Most people who survive abusive childhoods grow up to be hyper-protective of their own children and partners.
- The Choice: Violence in a relationship is almost always selective. If the perpetrator doesn’t hit their boss, their friends, or a stranger on the street when they are “triggered,” they are proving they can control their behavior. They are choosing to release their “trauma” only on you because they believe they can get away with it.
3. Reclaiming Your Compassion
You can have empathy for the child they were without sacrificing your safety to the adult they are now.
- The Sane Rule: You are not a rehabilitation center. It is not your job to “love them into wellness” at the expense of your own Mauri (life force).
- The Boundary: “I am sorry that happened to you as a child. That is a heavy burden. However, it does not give you the right to treat me this way. You need professional help that I cannot provide.”
“The Power of the Unspoken Word”
The Risk of Confrontation
When we finally see the “Trap” for what it is, our first instinct is often to point it out—to say, “I see what you’re doing.” However, in family violence, providing a perpetrator with the “name” of their tactic often just helps them refine it. If they know you’ve spotted the “Apology Trap,” they may simply change their approach to a more subtle form of manipulation. Keeping this knowledge to yourself allows you to stay one step ahead in your own safety planning.
Validation Without Verbalization
One of the hardest parts of being in the “Sane” phase is realizing the truth and staying quiet about it. This isn’t “weakness”; it is High-Level Reconnaissance. By validating the truth internally—“I know this apology is a trap, even if I’m nodding my head to stay safe right now”—you protect your Mauri from being eroded by their gaslighting. You are holding your ground in your own mind, which is the only place the perpetrator can’t reach.
Building the “Quiet Exit”
Every piece of information you gather from these pages is a brick in the wall of your future freedom. Whether you plan to leave tomorrow or stay for now, having the “Internal Map” of their tactics means they can no longer “map” your emotions. You are reclaiming your Rangatiratanga (Sovereignty) by choosing what to share and what to keep hidden. Your silence isn’t a lack of voice; it is a tactical choice to prioritize your physical safety over their “understanding.”
⚠️ Internal Safety Note: For Your Eyes Only
This information is a tool for your internal clarity, not a script for your next conversation.
In a safe relationship, you can discuss patterns and behaviors openly. In an abusive or controlling relationship, “calling out” these tactics to the perpetrator can be dangerous.
- Silence is a Strategy: You do not owe the perpetrator an explanation of what you are learning. Understanding the “Apology Trap” is for your peace of mind—it helps you stop blaming yourself.
- Avoid Using “Label-Language”: Using terms like “You are weaponizing your trauma” or “This is an apology trap” often triggers an escalation. The perpetrator may use these very words against you later.
- The “Sane” Secret: Internalize this knowledge. Use it to build your own Kōhatu (Stone) defense. When you recognize a trap, you don’t have to name it out loud; you just have to stop letting it pull you back into the circle.
Staying Safe and Sane 