In Aotearoa, family violence is more than just “physical hits.” It is a pattern of behavior used to dominate another person. Under the Family Violence Act 2018, New Zealand law recognizes that psychological, emotional, and financial abuse are just as damaging as physical violence.
Here is a comprehensive breakdown of what constitutes abuse and the specific legal protections available to you.
1. The Different Faces of Abuse
Abusers often rotate through different tactics to keep you off balance.
| Type of Abuse | What it looks like in NZ |
| Physical | Hitting, pushing, hair-pulling, or non-fatal strangulation (choking). Note: Strangulation is a high-risk indicator and a specific crime in NZ. |
| Psychological | Gaslighting, constant criticism, threats to hurt themselves or you, or “standing over” you to intimidate you. |
| Financial | Controlling your bank accounts, preventing you from working, or taking out loans/debt in your name (coerced debt). |
| Sexual | Pressuring you into sexual acts you don’t want, even if you are married or in a long-term relationship. |
| Coercive Control | A “micro-regulation” of your life: telling you what to wear, who you can see, and tracking your phone/location. |
2. The Legal Definition of “Family Violence”
In NZ, family violence isn’t just between partners. It includes:
- Whānau members (parents, siblings, in-laws).
- Flatmates or people you live with in a domestic relationship.
- Carers (if you have a disability and someone is using that power to mistreat you).
3. Key NZ Legal Protections
If you are experiencing abuse, the law provides two main tools to stop it:
- Police Safety Order (PSO): Issued by Police on the spot. It forces the abuser to leave for up to 10 days. No court application is needed from you.
- Protection Order: A long-term order from the Family Court. It makes it a criminal offense for the abuser to contact you or come near you. If you have a Protection Order, it is a crime for them to even send you a “friendly” text.
4. Understanding the “Cycle of Violence”
Abuse in New Zealand homes often moves in a circle. Recognizing where you are in this cycle can help you predict when it is time to leave.
- Tension Building: The “eggshells” phase. Small incidents, silence, or moodiness.
- The Incident: The explosion of abuse (physical, verbal, or emotional).
- The “Honeymoon” / Reconciliation: They apologize, buy gifts, or promise to go to counseling. They may blame you (“I only did it because you…”).
- The Calm: Things feel “normal” for a while, but the underlying power dynamic hasn’t changed. The cycle always restarts.
5. Children and “Psychological Abuse”
In New Zealand, the law is very clear: If a child sees or hears family violence, that child is being psychologically abused. You do not have to “fail” as a parent for Oranga Tamariki to become involved; often, they are involved to support the non-violent parent in creating a safe environment.
- Having a Protection Order usually automatically includes your children, meaning the abuser cannot contact them either.
6. Where the Power Lies
Abuse is never about the victim’s behavior; it is about the abuser’s need for control. In NZ, we have a strong network of advocates (Women’s Refuge, Shine, Shakti) who understand that leaving is the most dangerous time. They are there to help you reclaim your mana and your safety.
Important: If you are on a Partnership Visa and the abuser is threatening to have you deported if you report them, there is a special Victims of Family Violence Visa in New Zealand that allows you to stay independently of your abuser.
Staying Safe and Sane 