Understanding Your Waka

In te ao Māori, the waka (canoe) is more than just a vessel; it is a powerful metaphor for your life’s journey, your identity, and your healing. When you have experienced family or sexual violence, it can feel like your waka has been damaged, or that others are trying to grab the hoe (paddle) to steer you where they want you to go.

Embracing your own journey means reclaiming the helm and choosing who—if anyone—you allow on board.

1. Understanding Your Waka (Self and Identity)

Your waka is your mana. Violence is often an attempt to diminish that mana, but it cannot be destroyed.

The Hull (Taha Tinana): Your physical body. Healing starts with keeping your waka “watertight”—prioritizing your safety and physical health.
The Bindings (Taha Hinengaro): Your thoughts and emotions. In a waka, the lashings hold everything together. If they are frayed by PTSD or trauma, you need time and the right “kaimahi” (helpers) to re-bind them.
The Sail (Taha Wairua): Your spirit and connection to your ancestors (tīpuna). This gives you the “wind” to move forward even when you feel tired.

2. Choosing Your Crew (Whanaungatanga)

A common struggle in NZ family violence is the pressure from others—whānau, friends, or even the perpetrator—to “forgive and forget” or to steer the waka in a way that suits them.

The Passengers: Not everyone who wants to be on your waka belongs there. If someone is weighing you down, causing leaks, or trying to take the hoe, you have the right to put them ashore.
The Navigators: These are people who support your autonomy—specialized counsellors, refuge workers, or trusted friends. They don’t steer for you; they help you read the stars (your goals) so you can steer better.

3. Avoiding the “Sandbanks” (Getting Stuck)

Healing is rarely a straight line across calm water. You will encounter:

The “Heavy Fog” of Others’ Opinions: People may judge your choices (like leaving or staying). Remember: They are not in your waka. They cannot feel the waves you are feeling. Their “directions” are based on their map, not yours.
The Re-traumatization Current: Sometimes the legal system or family meetings can feel like a current pulling you backward. Staying in your waka means recognizing when a situation is unsafe and choosing to paddle away toward “Te Au” (the calm water).

4. He Waka Eke Noa (But only on your terms)

While the proverb He waka eke noa means “we are all in this together,” in the context of your healing, it must be He waka eke noa on your terms.

The Power of the Hoe (The Paddle): In a waka ama, everyone must paddle in rhythm. If people in your life are not paddling in rhythm with your safety and healing, they are disrupting your journey. It is okay to paddle solo for a while until you find a crew that respects your rhythm.

Practical Steps for Your Journey

Define Your Destination: What does “wellbeing” (Toiora) look like for you? Not for your kids, your partner, or your parents—but for you.
Set Your Boundaries: A waka has limited space. Who is actually helping you move forward? Who is just taking up space or drilling holes?
Trust Your Intuition (Pūmanawa): Māori tradition places high value on intuition. If a situation feels “off,” your wairua is sending you a signal. Listen to it.

This Waka Plan is your personal map. It isn’t for the courts, the police, or your whānau—it is for you. It defines the boundaries of your vessel and ensures that you remain the lead navigator of your own life.

You can write these down, keep them in a notes app, or simply hold them in your mind as your “guiding stars.”

1. Defining the Hull (My Safety Boundaries)

The hull must be watertight for the waka to float. These are the “non-negotiables” that keep you safe from further harm or being “sunk” by others’ drama.

Physical Space: “My home/room is my sanctuary. Only people who bring peace are invited in.”
Digital Space: “I will block or mute anyone who uses my phone to pressure, guilt-trip, or monitor me.”
The ‘No’ Rule: “I have the right to say ‘no’ to family events or conversations that make me feel unsafe or exhausted, without needing to explain why.”

2. Choosing the Crew (My Support Network)

Not everyone who shares your blood or your history deserves a seat on your journey right now.

Role	Who fills this?	What is their job?
The Navigator	(e.g., My Therapist/Counsellor)	To help me see the path when the fog (trauma) is thick.
The Baler	(e.g., A trusted best friend)	To help me clear the ‘water’ (stress) when I feel overwhelmed.
The Anchor	(e.g., A support group or hobby)	To keep me steady and grounded when the storm hits.

Identify the “Barnacles”: Who is currently clinging to your waka, slowing you down, or criticizing your paddling? You don’t have to throw them overboard immediately, but you can stop listening to their directions.

3. Setting the Course (My Personal Goals)

Violence often makes you live “reactionally”—always waiting for the next blow. Setting your own course means living “intentionally.”

Short-term (The next wave): “Today, I will focus only on [e.g., eating a good meal / finishing one task / 5 minutes of breathing].”
Mid-term (The horizon): “In three months, I want to feel [e.g., more confident in my decisions / less jumpy when the phone rings].”
The North Star (My “Why”): “I am doing this so that I can finally know what it feels like to be [e.g., at peace / free / truly myself].”

4. Handling the “Rough Seas” (My Crisis Plan)

When you feel yourself getting “side-tracked” by someone else’s needs or getting “stuck” in a PTSD flashback:

Stop the Hoe (Paddle): Stop trying to “fix” the situation or the other person.
Drop Anchor: Use your grounding techniques (the 5-4-3-2-1 method) to stay in your body.
Check the Compass: Ask yourself: “Is this person/situation helping me reach my North Star, or are they pulling me off course?”
Change Direction: It is okay to walk away from a conversation or a relationship that is drilling holes in your boat.

Your Protective Mantle

In NZ, you have a legal “cloak” available to help keep your waka safe. If you feel the “crew” or the “environment” is too dangerous to manage alone, we can look into:

A Protection Order: A legal barrier to keep the perpetrator away.
An Occupation Order: Ensuring you have the right to stay in your home.