When we experience violence or abuse, our minds often search for a reason why. Sometimes, it feels easier to blame ourselves (guilt) than to accept that someone we cared about chose to hurt us.
Guilt is a weight you were never meant to carry. Here is how to understand it, challenge it, and eventually, let it go.
What is Guilt?
Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for an action. In healthy situations, guilt helps us stay aligned with our values. But in the context of family or sexual violence, guilt is often misplaced.
Why do I feel guilty?
- The “Protective” Lie: Believing it was your fault gives you a false sense of control. If it’s your fault, you can “fix” it. Acknowledging it wasn’t your fault means admitting you were powerless in that moment, which is terrifying.
- The Fawn Response: You may have acted “nice” or compliant to stay safe. You might feel guilty for “going along with it,” but that wasn’t a choice—it was your body’s survival strategy.
- Cultural Pressure: In NZ, you might feel guilty about the impact on your whānau, your children, or your community’s reputation.
Challenging the Guilt: A Reality Check
| The Guilt Voice | The Reality |
| “I should have left earlier for the kids.” | You stayed to provide stability or because leaving was too dangerous. You did your best to navigate an impossible situation. |
| “I said/did mean things back.” | This is reactive abuse. When pushed into a corner, humans react. Your reaction does not justify their initial violence. |
| “I didn’t fight back during the assault.” | Your brain triggered a “freeze” or “flop” response to minimize physical injury. Your body saved you. |
How to Let It Go
1. Externalize the Responsibility
Ask yourself: If a friend told me this exact story, would I blame them? We are often far crueler to ourselves than we would ever be to a stranger. Practice speaking to yourself with the same manaakitanga (hospitality and kindness) you would show a guest.
2. The “Letter to the Guilt”
Write a letter to your guilt. Acknowledge why it’s there (e.g., “You are trying to make me feel in control”), and then explain why it is no longer needed. You can physically burn this letter or tear it up to symbolise letting go.
3. Focus on “Survival Choice” vs. “Free Choice”
A “free choice” is deciding what to have for dinner. A “survival choice” is what you do when you are under threat. You cannot judge your survival choices by the same standards as your free choices.
Support Services in Aotearoa
If the weight of guilt feels too heavy to lift alone, these New Zealand services specialize in helping survivors process these complex emotions.
Specialized Support
- Safe to Talk: 0800 044 334 | Text 4334. Confidential support for sexual harm.
- Shine / Women’s Refuge: 0508 744 633 / 0800 733 843. For navigating the “family” guilt and finding safety.
- ACC Sensitive Claims: 0800 735 566. In NZ, ACC can pay for therapy to help you work through guilt and trauma from sexual violence.
Cultural & Community Support
- Tu Wahine Trust: Support for Māori women and whānau navigating violence and healing.
- Gandhari: Support for the South Asian community.
- OutLine: 0800 688 5463. Support for Rainbow survivors who may feel guilt related to identity or community.
A Final Affirmation
Your responsibility ended the moment their choice to cause harm began. You are allowed to be at peace. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to move forward.
If you are in danger now, call 111.
Staying Safe and Sane 