Wellbeing Check

In the context of family violence, basic needs like sleep, nutrition, and fresh air are often the first things targeted by an abuser. They aren’t just “health habits”—they are your fuel for decision-making. When you are sleep-deprived and physically weak, it is much harder to maintain your boundaries and your sanity.

Here is a tactical check-in for your physical foundation.

1. The Sleep Check: “Rest is Resistance”

Abusers often use “sleep sabotage” (starting arguments at 2 AM or waking you up) to keep you in a state of confusion.

The Check-In: Am I getting at least 4–5 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Am I “doom-scrolling” or staying awake out of fear?
Tactical Move: If night-time is unsafe, try to find a 20-minute “power nap” during the day in a safe space (like your car or a library).
The Goal: To lower your cortisol levels. High cortisol makes you reactive; rest makes you strategic.

2. The Eating Check: “Brain Fuel”

Stress suppresses appetite, but your brain needs glucose to process complex information and plan for safety.

The Check-In: Have I eaten today? Am I relying entirely on caffeine and sugar to keep going?
Tactical Move: If a full meal feels overwhelming, focus on “Grab-and-Go” proteins (nuts, yogurt, or a protein bar).
The Goal: Stable blood sugar. This prevents the “crashes” that make gaslighting feel more effective.

3. The Fresh Air Check: “Perspective Shift”

Staying inside the “pressure cooker” of an abusive home distorts your reality.

The Check-In: Have I felt the wind or sun on my face today? Have I looked at the horizon (long-distance vision) rather than just four walls?
Tactical Move: Even 5 minutes outside helps. Walk to the mailbox, stand on the grass, or open a window and breathe deeply for 60 seconds.
The Goal: To break the “trance” of the house. Stepping outside reminds your brain that there is a world beyond the abuser’s control.

Daily “Safe & Sane” Maintenance

Need	Minimum Viable Action	Why it matters
Sleep	15 mins of quiet eyes-closed time.	Protects your executive function.
Eating	Drink one full glass of water + a small snack.	Keeps you from feeling “foggy.”
Fresh Air	One minute of deep breathing outdoors.	Resets your nervous system.

The “Sanity” Warning

If you find you are unable to do these three things because the abuser is actively preventing you (e.g., locking you in, taking your food, or forcing you to stay awake), this is a sign of high-level coercive control.

Action: If these basics are being weaponized against you, please reach out to Women’s Refuge (0800 733 843) or Shine (0508 744 633). These are not “small” issues; they are foundational to your safety.

Keeping whānau “safe and sane,” is important and a wellbeing check isn’t just a mood diary; it is a tactical assessment of how much an abuser’s “chaos” is infiltrating a person’s mental and physical space.

For victims in Aotearoa, a wellbeing check is about identifying Social Entrapment—the way an abuser slowly closes off options until the victim feels they have nowhere to go.

1. The “Safe and Sane” Wellbeing Checklist

Ask yourself these four questions. If the answer to any is “Yes,” it is a signal to activate their safety plan.

Domain	The Checkpoint (Ask yourself…)	The Red Flag
Reality	Do I trust my own memory of events, or do I find myself checking with them to see what “really” happened?	Gaslighting: You are losing your “Sane” foundation.
Body	Have I had unexplained headaches, digestive issues, or am I “jumping” at small noises (the startle response)?	Hypervigilance: Your body is in a constant 24/7 “Fight or Flight” state.
Social	Am I “curating” what I tell my friends/family because I’m embarrassed or afraid of their reaction?	Isolation: The abuser is successfully cutting your lifelines.
Autonomy	Did I make at least one small choice for myself today (what to eat, what to wear, who to call) without fear?	Coercive Control: Your basic freedom of movement is being eroded.

2. The “Traffic Light” Wellbeing System

This is a quick way to gauge if a situation is escalating.

🟢 GREEN (Maintain): You feel tired but clear-headed. You are still connected to at least two safe people outside the home.
🟡 AMBER (Caution): You are starting to “walk on eggshells.” You are losing sleep and finding it hard to concentrate at work. Action: Call 0800 REFUGE or 1737 just to talk.
🔴 RED (Crisis): You feel “numb” or “trapped.” You are experiencing physical symptoms of terror or have stopped trying to resist. Action: This is the time to use your “Go-Bag” and reach out to your workplace or a specialist service.

3. Tactical Self-Care (Not just Bubble Baths)

In the context of violence, self-care is an act of resistance.

Reality Anchoring: Keep a “hidden” journal (if safe) or a mental list of facts that the abuser tries to deny. This preserves your sanity.
The “Gray Rock” Moment: Intentionally spend 10 minutes a day being “boring” to the abuser to lower the conflict level and save your energy.
Physical Grounding: Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste) to pull your brain out of a panic attack.

Important Wellbeing Contacts

Need to Talk? 1737: Free, 24/7 confidential support for mental wellbeing.
Are You OK?: 0800 456 450. A great place to start when you aren’t sure if what you’re experiencing is “bad enough.”
Shakti NZ: 0800 SHAKTI. For culturally specific wellbeing support.