Staying Safe and Sane

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When to Leave

When someone is in an abusive relationship, the question of “when” to leave is rarely about a perfect calendar date; it is about calculating safety.

In New Zealand, statistics and front-line experts (Police, Women’s Refuge) emphasize that the most dangerous time for a victim is immediately before and after they leave. The abuser feels a loss of control and may escalate their violence.

Here is what every victim in Aotearoa needs to know about timing their exit.

1. The “Safety First” Rule

There is no “best time” other than the time when you have a solid Safety Plan in place.

  • If you are in immediate danger: The best time is now. Call 111 immediately. If you cannot speak, stay on the line and “Push 55” when prompted—this tells the operator you are in danger but cannot talk.
  • If you are planning an exit: The best time is when the abuser is away from the home (at work, out with friends) to give you a head start.

2. Assessing the Risk (The Red Flags)

Certain behaviors signal that the risk of serious harm is peaking. If you see these, your timeline for leaving needs to be prioritized with professional help:

  • Strangulation/Choking: If they have ever put their hands around your neck, the risk of them lethally hurting you increases significantly.
  • Threats to kill: Take every threat literally.
  • Escalation: The “Sanity” part of your mind might hope it will get better, but the “Safe” part must recognize if the incidents are getting closer together or more severe.

3. The “Financial & Housing” Window

New Zealand law provides specific tools to help you choose a “stable” time to leave:

  • The 10-Day Rule: Under the Domestic Violence – Victim’s Protection Act, you are entitled to 10 days of paid domestic violence leave from work. This can be used to move house, go to court, or seek counseling without losing your income.
  • 2-Day Tenancy Exit: If you are a tenant, you can leave a violent relationship by giving your landlord just 2 days’ notice with evidence (like a letter from a doctor, Refuge, or a Police report). You are not liable for rent after those 2 days.
  • Work and Income (WINZ): You can access an “Emergency Grant” or “Transition to Safety” payment to help with moving costs and bonds.

4. How to Plan the “Timing”

StepActionWhy?
The “Silent” PrepUse a Shielded Site (look for the green computer icon on sites like TradeMe, The Warehouse, or NZ Post).It allows you to contact Women’s Refuge without it appearing in your browser history.
The Paper TrailSecure your Passport, Birth Certificates, and IRD number.You cannot easily get a new bank account or WINZ support without these.
The Bank MoveOpen a sole account at a different bank (e.g., if you share Westpac, go to Kiwibank).Abusers often monitor accounts to see “where” you are spending money (e.g., at a motel or a lawyer).

5. Essential NZ Contacts

If you are weighing up “when” to go, talk to a professional who can help you “risk assess” your specific situation. They do this every day.

The “Sanity” Reminder

Leaving is a process, not just a single moment. It is okay if you aren’t ready today. It is okay if you have left and gone back before. Your only job is to stay alive and keep your children safe.

EMERGENCY PROTOCOL: Your First 24 Hours

Steps for Physical and Digital Safety in Aotearoa.

EMERGENCY PROTOCOLDownload

1. IMMEDIATE DANGER (THE 111 PROTOCOL)

  • Call 111: If you cannot speak, Push 55. This alerts the operator that you are in danger but it is unsafe to talk.
  • Silent Exit: If you need to leave right now, go to the nearest Police Station or a public “Safe Space” like a hospital emergency room or a 24-hour supermarket.

2. THE “SHIELDED” SEARCH

  • Do not use standard Google Search. Access help via a Shielded Site. Look for the small green computer icon at the bottom of major NZ websites (like The Warehouse, TradeMe, or NZ Post).
  • Why? Browsing through a shielded site means the visit will not show up in your browser history, protecting you from digital monitoring.

3. THE ESSENTIALS (WHAT TO GRAB)

If you have 5 minutes to leave, prioritize these in a “Go-Bag”:

  • ID: Passports, Birth Certificates, and IRD numbers (for you and your children).
  • Access: Spare car/house keys and your mobile phone + charger.
  • Money: Any hidden cash and your bank cards.
  • Health: 3 days’ worth of essential prescription medication.

4. LEGAL & WORKPLACE PROTECTIONS

  • Police Safety Order (PSO): Ask the Police for a PSO. This can remove the abuser from the home immediately for up to 10 days, even without a court order.
  • DV Leave: You are legally entitled to 10 days of paid Domestic Violence Leave. You do not need to explain the details to your boss—simply state you are utilizing your statutory leave for safety reasons.
  • Tenancy: You can withdraw from a joint tenancy with 2 days’ notice if you provide evidence of family violence (a Police report or a letter from a GP/Refuge).

5. EMERGENCY CONTACTS (24/7)

  • Women’s Refuge: 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843) – Crisis support and safe housing.
  • Shine: 0508 744 633 – Professional family violence support.
  • 1737: Free call or text 1737 – To speak with a trained counselor for your mental “Sanity.”
EMERGENCY PROTOCOLDownload

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