Why do I Stay?

Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a single event; it’s a complex process. In New Zealand, the term Family Violence (FV) covers a broad spectrum of behaviors, and the reasons people stay are deeply rooted in psychology, logistics, and safety.

If you are in this position, please know: Staying is not a sign of weakness; it is often a survival strategy.

1. The Psychological “Glue”

Abuse isn’t constant; if it were, leaving would be an easy choice. It’s the inconsistency that makes it hard to walk away.

Trauma Bonding: This is a powerful emotional attachment formed through a cycle of intense “highs” (love bombing, apologies) and “lows” (abuse, coldness). Your brain chemistry actually becomes hooked on the relief felt during the “peaceful” phases.
Intermittent Reinforcement: Because the abuser is occasionally kind or loving, you hold onto the hope that the “good version” of them is the real one, and the “bad version” is just a temporary glitch.
Gaslighting: Over time, an abuser may make you doubt your own reality. You might start to believe the abuse is your fault or that you are “overreacting.”

2. Practical and Structural Barriers in NZ

In New Zealand, specific societal and economic factors can make leaving feel impossible.

Financial Dependence: With the high cost of living and the current housing crisis, the fear of homelessness is real. You may not have access to bank accounts or your own income.
The “Rural Factor”: If you live in a rural area, isolation is a tool for the abuser. Lack of public transport and distance from neighbors makes seeking help physically difficult.
Systemic Fear: Many victims fear that involving the Police or Oranga Tamariki might lead to their children being taken away, rather than being protected.

3. The “Safety Paradox”

Statistically, the most dangerous time for a victim is when they try to leave.

Escalation: Abusers often ramp up violence when they feel they are losing control. Many victims stay because they instinctively know that staying is—in the short term—the only way to keep the peace and stay alive.
Threats: Threatening to hurt pets, family members, or to commit self-harm are common tactics used to guilt or scare a partner into staying.

4. Cultural and Social Pressures

Whānau and Community: There may be intense pressure to “keep the family together” or avoid bringing “shame” upon the family or community.
Religious Beliefs: Some victims feel bound by marriage vows or religious teachings that prioritize the sanctity of the union over individual safety.

Resources in New Zealand

You don’t have to figure this out alone. These services understand the “why” and can help with a safety plan:

Service	Contact Info	Best For…
Women’s Refuge	0800 REFUGE (733 843)	Confidential support and safe housing.
Shine	0508 744 633	Free national helpline for anyone.
Are You OK?	areyouok.org.nz	Information on identifying abuse.
Police	111	Immediate danger or emergencies.

Note: If you are worried about your browsing history being seen, use “Incognito” mode or a library computer to look up these resources.

When you are in the middle of a family violence situation in New Zealand, your brain is often in “survival mode,” which makes it hard to see the big picture. These questions are designed to help you gently peel back the layers of your situation—not to judge you, but to help you understand the specific “anchors” keeping you there.

Take your time with these. There are no “wrong” answers.

1. Questions About Your Safety Strategy

Sometimes we stay because it feels like the safest option in a dangerous world.

Is my staying a choice, or a calculation? (Am I staying because I want to, or because I am afraid of what they will do if I leave?)
If I had a “magic button” that could instantly move me and my belongings to a safe, secret house with enough money, would I press it? (If the answer is yes, your “reason for staying” is likely a lack of resources, not a lack of desire.)
Do I feel like I am constantly “managing” their mood to prevent an explosion?

2. Questions About “The Dream” vs. “The Reality”

Abusers often keep victims hooked on the potential of who they could be, rather than who they actually are.

Am I in love with the person sitting in front of me right now, or the person they were three years ago?
If a stranger treated my best friend or my sister the way I am being treated, what would I tell them to do?
How many “last chances” have I given? (Is there a realistic reason to believe the next one will be different?)
When they apologize, do they actually change their behavior, or do they just stop the abuse until the next “tension-building” phase?

3. Questions About Your Identity (Self-Worth)

Abuse shrinks your world until the abuser is the only thing in it.

Who was I before this relationship started? (What hobbies, friends, or traits have I “vibrated away” to keep the peace?)
Do I believe I deserve to be treated this way? (If yes, who taught me that? Was it the abuser?)
Am I staying because I’m afraid no one else will want me? (This is a common thought planted by abusers to keep you trapped.)

4. Questions About the New Zealand Context

Our unique laws and culture can create specific pressures.

Am I staying because I’m afraid of “The System” (Police, Oranga Tamariki, etc.)? (Are these fears based on my own experience, or on things the abuser has told me to keep me from seeking help?)
Am I staying because of the cost of living or housing? (Am I aware that in NZ, I have legal rights to emergency housing and “Family Violence Leave” from work?)
Am I staying to “keep the whānau together”? (Is the home truly “together” if it is built on fear? What is the atmosphere of the home teaching the children about love?)

5. The “Five Years From Now” Test

If nothing changes—absolutely nothing—where will I be in five years?
How will my physical and mental health look if I stay for another 1,825 days?
If I have children, what will they have learned about how a partner should treat them by watching this relationship?

A Final, Vital Question

“What is the one thing I am most afraid would happen if I walked out the door today?”

Identifying that specific fear (e.g., “I’ll have no money,” “He’ll hurt the dog,” “I’ll be lonely”) allows you to create a targeted Safety Plan. Once you name the fear, you can start looking for the specific NZ service (like the SPCA’s “Pets in Refuge” or Work and Income’s “Transition to Safety” grant) that addresses it.