Your Adult Child is the Abuser

When the abuser is your own child, the emotional landscape is devastating. In New Zealand, this is often categorized as Elder Abuse (if you are over 65) or Intergenerational Family Violence.

The “normal” advice for survivors often feels wrong in this context because you may still feel a biological or moral “duty” to protect your child, even while they are hurting you. Here is what you need to know about navigating this specific situation in NZ.

1. The Law Does Not Distinguish Between “Child” and “Abuser”

Under the Family Violence Act 2018, a “family relationship” includes parents and children. This means you have the exact same legal rights as someone being abused by a partner.

You can apply for a Protection Order against your adult child.
You can request Police Safety Orders (PSO) to have them removed from your home for up to 10 days to give you breathing space.
If they are living with you, you can apply for an Occupation Order or a Tenancy Order to legally remove them from the property, even if they have no other place to go.

2. Recognizing “Economic Harm”

Abuse by adult children often takes the form of financial exploitation. In NZ, this is a recognized form of family violence. It includes:

Pressuring you to change your Will or Power of Attorney.
Taking your pension (Superannuation) money.
Living in your house rent-free while threatening you if you ask them to contribute.
“Guilt-tripping” you into taking out loans or being a guarantor for them.

3. The Role of “Age Concern” (Elder Abuse Services)

If you are over 65, Age Concern New Zealand and other agencies are often a better first step than a general refuge. They have specialized Elder Abuse Response Services (EARS).

They understand the “shame” many parents feel and will not judge you.
They can help you navigate the system without necessarily involving the Police immediately, if that is your wish.
Helpline: 0800 32 668 65 (0800 EA NOT OK).

4. Protection Orders: The “Parental Guilt” Barrier

Many parents in NZ hesitate to get a Protection Order because they fear their child will end up homeless or in prison.

The Reality: A Protection Order doesn’t send them to jail; it sets a legal boundary. If they respect the boundary (e.g., stop the violence, stop the threats), they don’t get a criminal record.
The “Standard Conditions”: The order can be tailored. It doesn’t have to be “Non-Contact”; it can be a “Non-Violence” order, meaning they can still visit, but the moment they become abusive, the Police have the power to step in.

5. Enduring Power of Attorney (EPOA) Risks

If your adult child is your EPOA (the person who manages your affairs if you lose capacity), and they are abusive, this is a major safety risk.

You can revoke an EPOA at any time as long as you are still “mentally capable.”
You should talk to a lawyer about appointing a professional trustee or a different family member if you feel your child is using the EPOA to control or abuse you.

6. Where to Get Specific Help

Shine / Women’s Refuge: They support parents, not just partners.
Police (111): If your child is in the middle of an outburst, do not feel you are “betraying” them by calling. You are protecting yourself and potentially preventing them from doing something that would lead to a much longer prison sentence.
Seniors’ Advocates: Organizations like Grey Power can also provide resources on rights regarding housing and financial safety.

The “Sanity” Reality for Parents

“You cannot set yourself on fire to keep your child warm.” In New Zealand, many parents feel that admitting their child is an abuser is a “parental failure.” It isn’t. You are dealing with an adult who is responsible for their own choices. Protecting yourself is often the only way to force your child to get the help (mental health or addiction support) they actually need.

Changing Your Will and Power of Attorney (EPOA)

In New Zealand, your Will and EPOA are your “Final Shield.” If an adult child is abusive or financially exploitative, you must ensure they do not have legal control over your life or assets.

Changing your Enduring Power of Attorney (EPOA)

If your child is currently your EPOA, they have (or will have) the power to make decisions about your money and your medical care.

How to Revoke it: You must give a written notice of revocation to the attorney (your child). You should also give a copy to your bank, your doctor, and your lawyer.
Who to appoint instead: Consider a different family member, a trusted friend, or a professional body like Public Trust or a private trustee company. They act as a neutral “buffer.”
Cost: You will need a lawyer or a qualified legal executive to witness the new EPOA documents to ensure you are signing them of your own free will and not under “undue influence.”

Changing your Will

You have “Testamentary Freedom” in NZ, but the Family Protection Act 1955 allows adult children to “claim” against a Will if they aren’t provided for.

The Strategy: Do not just “leave them out” without explanation. Have your lawyer draft a contemporaneous note (a separate letter kept with the Will).
The Note: In this note, you clearly explain why you are leaving them less (e.g., “I have provided significant financial support during my lifetime,” or “Our relationship has been characterized by [behavior] which has led to this decision”).
Evidence: This note acts as your “voice” in court if they try to challenge the Will after you pass away. It proves the decision was deliberate and reasoned, not a mistake.

3. The “Financial Lockdown” Checklist

If you are worried about your child accessing your money right now:

Change your PINs: Do not use birthdays or house numbers they know.
Two-to-Sign: If you have a joint account with them, ask the bank to change it so that both people must sign for any withdrawal.
Alert the Bank: New Zealand banks have “Vulnerability Teams.” You can tell them: “I am being pressured for money by a family member. Please flag my account for any unusual or large withdrawals.”

The “Sanity” Reality

Taking these steps isn’t “un-parenting.” It is setting a boundary that says your life and your safety have value. In many cases, removing an adult child’s access to your home and money is the “rock bottom” they need to finally seek help for their own issues.

This nationwide list focuses exclusively on services for elder abuse and financial exploitation of seniors in New Zealand.

Primary National Contact Points

Service	Best For…	Phone Number
Elder Abuse Response Service (EARS)	24/7 National helpline for any concern or risk.	0800 32 668 65 (0800 EA NOT OK)
Age Concern National Office	Advocacy, advice, and connection to local teams.	0800 65 2 105
Police (Emergency)	Immediate danger or threats in your home.	111
Police (Non-Emergency)	Reporting past financial or physical abuse.	105
Vaka Tautua (Pacific Matua)	Specialist culturally-led support for Pacific elders.	0800 825 282

Specific Support Methods

Text Support: You can text 5032 for a confidential response if it is not safe for you to speak on the phone.
Email Support: Send an inquiry to support@elderabuse.nz.

Important Next Step for You

If you need to change your legal documents (Will or EPOA) because of pressure from an adult child, you should call Public Trust at 0800 371 471. They are a neutral national organization that can hold your documents securely so no family member can pressure you into changing them at home.

When the person you love is also the person you fear, these conversations and legal steps are incredibly painful. In New Zealand, you have specific rights that protect you from being pressured or intimidated in your own home.

The Safety Script: Setting the Boundary

If you are telling an adult child to move out, it is often safest to have a third-party present (a friend, another family member, or even a Police officer if you fear an outburst). Use “I” statements to focus on your needs rather than their failures, which can lower the heat.

Option A: The Firm but Kind Approach

“I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, and for the sake of my own health and our relationship, I need you to find another place to live. I can no longer support you living here, and I need you to have your things moved out by [Date]. This isn’t up for negotiation, and I’ve already looked into what support services are available for you to help with the transition.”

Option B: The “Safety Priority” Approach (If there has been violence)

“The way things have been going isn’t safe for me, and it isn’t healthy for you. I need you to leave the house today. I have spoken with [Police/Age Concern/Advocate], and they are supporting me in this decision. I love you, but I cannot have you living in this house anymore.”

The “Broken Record” Technique: If they begin to argue, guilt-trip, or threaten, do not engage in the “why.” Simply repeat:

“I understand you’re upset, but the decision is made. You need to move out.”
“I am not discussing the reasons again. We need to focus on your move-out date.”

To secure your independence, you need to “sever” the legal and financial ties that the perpetrator uses to control you. In New Zealand, this is a formal process but can be done relatively quickly with the right templates.

1. Letter to Your Lawyer (Revoking EPOA and Updating Will)

This is the most important step. It instructs your lawyer to cancel your current Power of Attorney and start protecting your assets.

Subject: URGENT – Revocation of Enduring Power of Attorney and Will Update

Dear [Lawyer’s Name],

I am writing to formally instruct you to revoke (cancel) my current Enduring Power of Attorney (EPOA) for both [Property / Personal Care and Welfare] held by [Perpetrator’s Name], effective immediately.

I am making this decision while I have full mental capacity. I would also like to:

Discuss appointing a neutral successor (such as Public Trust) to manage my affairs.

Update my Will to include a contemporaneous note regarding my recent family situation to prevent future challenges.

Ensure my contact details and these instructions are kept strictly confidential.

Please let me know when I can come in to sign the formal Notice of Revocation documents.

Regards, [Your Name]

2. Notice to the Abuser (The “Revocation Notice”)

Note: You only send this after your lawyer has prepared the formal documents. Legally, the EPOA is not cancelled until the attorney (the abuser) is notified in writing.

Subject: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF ENDURING POWER OF ATTORNEY

To [Perpetrator’s Name],

Take notice that I, [Your Name], hereby revoke the Enduring Power of Attorney for [Property / Personal Care and Welfare] that I previously granted to you on [Date if known].

As of today, [Date], you no longer have any legal authority to act on my behalf, access my bank accounts, or make decisions regarding my welfare. I have notified my bank and my legal representatives of this change.

Signed, [Your Name]

3. Letter to Your Bank (Securing Your Money)

NZ banks (like ANZ, ASB, Westpac, BNZ) have “Extra Care” teams for these situations. You don’t need a lawyer for this part.

To: The Branch Manager, [Bank Name] Subject: URGENT: Security Alert and Request for Account Protection

To whom it may concern,

I am a customer of your bank [Account Number/Customer ID]. I am currently experiencing family pressure regarding my finances and wish to take immediate steps to secure my accounts:

Revoke Access: Please remove [Perpetrator’s Name]’s access to any of my accounts immediately. I am revoking any EPOA they previously held.

PIN/Password Change: I wish to change my online banking passwords and ATM PINs.

Flag for Protection: Please flag my account for “unusual activity” and ensure no large withdrawals or changes to my accounts are made without a phone call to me on my private number: [Your Phone Number].

New Account: I would like to open a new, separate account that only I can see and access.

Please handle this matter with the utmost confidentiality.

Regards, [Your Name]

Crucial “Sanity” Advice

The “Safety Mirror”: If you are afraid that sending the “Notice to the Abuser” will cause a violent outburst, do not send it yourself. Your lawyer or the Police can serve this notice on your behalf.
The Paper Trail: Always keep a copy of these letters. If you email them, BCC a trusted friend or a “hidden” email address so you have proof of the date they were sent.

In New Zealand, a NASC (Needs Assessment and Service Coordination) assessment is a critical gateway to getting help when elder abuse is suspected or occurring. Abuse often thrives when an older person is isolated or when a caregiver is overwhelmed and “losing control.”

NASC is the process used by Health New Zealand (Te Whatu Ora) to determine what support services a person is eligible for. Here is what you and your family need to know about using this process to increase safety and support.

1. How NASC Can Stop Elder Abuse

Elder abuse is often linked to dependency. If a person relies entirely on one family member who is abusive or neglectful, the NASC assessment breaks that isolation by bringing in neutral, professional eyes.

Environmental Change: NASC can fund Home Management (cleaning/shopping) and Personal Care (showering/dressing). This reduces the “burden” on a caregiver and puts “eyes in the home” several times a week.
Respite Care: If abuse is occurring because a caregiver is burnt out, NASC can fund “Respite,” allowing the older person to stay in a care facility for short periods to give everyone a break.
Residential Care: If the home environment is no longer safe, the NASC assessment is the legal requirement for moving into a rest home or hospital-level care.

2. The Assessment Process

Anyone can make a referral to NASC—the older person, a family member, a GP, or an advocate.

The Meeting: A Needs Assessor (usually a social worker or nurse) will visit the home. They look at physical needs, but also at the “social situation.”
Privacy: If you are a family member concerned about abuse, you can ask to speak to the assessor privately. Conversely, if you are the older person, you have the right to speak to the assessor without the person you are afraid of in the room.
The “Support Plan”: After the assessment, the “Service Coordinator” works out a plan. This might include district nursing, meals on wheels, or professional carers coming into the home.

3. Disclosing Abuse During an Assessment

NASC assessors are trained to look for red flags of elder abuse.

Confidentiality: If you disclose abuse, the assessor has a duty of care. They can involve Age Concern’s Elder Abuse Response Service (EARS) or the Police if there is immediate danger.
The “Right to Self-Determination”: In NZ, a person with “mental capacity” has the right to make their own decisions, even “unwise” ones. However, if the abuse is caused by a lack of cognitive capacity (like Dementia), the NASC assessment can trigger a process to involve Enduring Power of Attorney (EPOA).

4. What if the Abuser is the “Spokesperson”?

A common tactic in elder abuse is for the abuser to speak for the victim during the assessment (“Oh, Mum is fine, she doesn’t need help”).

Family Tip: If you are a concerned relative, contact the NASC office before the appointment. Tell them: “I have concerns about safety and elder abuse. Please ensure the assessor speaks to [Name] alone during the visit.”
The “InterRAI”: This is the formal tool assessors use. It includes specific questions about social support and safety that help identify if someone is being pressured or controlled.

Key Contacts for NASC & Elder Abuse

Service	Contact Info	Role
Elder Abuse Helpline	0800 32 668 65	24/7 confidential advice on elder abuse.
Age Concern NZ	ageconcern.org.nz	Specialist Elder Abuse Response Services (EARS).
NASC Finder	Call your local Hospital	Ask for “NASC” or “Older Persons Service.”
Seniorline	0800 725 463	Info on rest homes and the NASC process.

Important Note on EPOA

If you are worried about financial abuse, ensure the NASC assessor knows. They can help clarify who holds the Enduring Power of Attorney and whether that person is acting in the older person’s best interests.

NASC – Needs Assessment & Service Coordination

In New Zealand, NASC (Needs Assessment and Service Coordination) agencies are split by region and type of need (Older Persons, Disability, or Mental Health). For elder abuse situations, you generally want the Older Persons NASC, which is usually run directly by Health New Zealand (Te Whatu Ora).

Here is a comprehensive list of the main contact points for NASC services across the country.

1. Auckland Region

North Shore & Waitākere: (09) 442 7171 | OlderAdultsHomeHealth@waitematadhb.govt.nz
Central Auckland: 0800 631 1234 | communityservices@adhb.govt.nz
Counties Manukau (South & East): (09) 277 3440 | DutyNasc@middlemore.co.nz

2. North Island

Northland: 0800 88 88 90 | nasc@northlanddhb.org.nz
Waikato (Hamilton): 0800 55 33 99 | dsloffice@waikatodhb.health.nz
Bay of Plenty (Tauranga/Whakatāne): 0800 262 477 | SupportNetBOP@bopdhb.govt.nz
Lakes (Rotorua): (07) 343 1030 | nasc.admin@lakesdhb.govt.nz
Tairāwhiti (Gisborne): (06) 869 0558 | healthy.ageing@tdh.org.nz
Hawke’s Bay: 0800 339 449 | NASC.HB@hbdhb.govt.nz
Taranaki: (06) 759 7214 | olderpeoplesnasc@tdhb.org.nz
Whanganui: (06) 348 3309 (Ask for CART/NASC)
MidCentral (Palmerston North): 0800 221 411 | supportlinks@supportlinks.org.nz
Wairarapa: 0800 900 001 | focus@wairarapa.dhb.org.nz
Hutt Valley: (04) 566 2226 | hutt@careco.org.nz
Capital & Coast (Wellington/Porirua/Kāpiti): (04) 238 2020 | wellington@careco.org.nz

3. South Island

Nelson/Marlborough: 0800 244 300 | needs.assessment@nmdhb.govt.nz
West Coast: (03) 768 0481 | cccn@westcoastdhb.health.nz
Canterbury (Christchurch): (03) 337 7765 | CommunityReferralCentre@cdhb.health.nz
South Canterbury (Timaru): (03) 687 7120 | nascadmin@scdhb.health.nz
Southern (Dunedin/Invercargill): 0800 627 236 | southerndhbccc@southerndhb.govt.nz

Tips for Contacting NASC

Self-Referral: You do not need a doctor’s permission. You can call these numbers yourself.
Wait Times: Once a referral is made, you should hear back within 2 weeks to schedule an appointment.
Urgency: If you believe the older person is in immediate danger due to abuse, tell the intake worker it is an “Urgent Safety Concern.” This can fast-track the assessment.
The “Seniorline” Backup: If you are unsure which office covers your specific suburb, call Seniorline at 0800 725 463. They are a free national service that can connect you to the correct local NASC.

A Safety Brief is a confidential document or conversation you provide to a NASC assessor before they enter the home. Its purpose is to ensure the assessor is aware of risks that the older person might be too afraid or unable to mention in front of their caregiver.

In New Zealand, NASC assessors have a legal and ethical duty to prioritize safety. Providing this information helps them structure the visit to protect the victim.

1. Key Information to Include

When you contact the NASC intake worker, provide these specific details:

The Power Dynamic: Who is the primary caregiver, and what is their relationship to the older person?
Specific Red Flags: * Financial: Is the caregiver controlling the pension or bank cards?
- Physical/Neglect: Are medications being withheld? Are there unexplained bruises or weight loss?
- Psychological: Does the caregiver “gatekeep” (prevent visitors or phone calls)?
The “Masking” Risk: Does the older person tend to say “everything is fine” because they fear retaliation once the assessor leaves?

2. Requesting a “Safe Assessment” Structure

You can specifically ask the NASC office for the following:

Private Interview: “Please ensure the assessor speaks to [Name] alone. Can you suggest a reason for the caregiver to step out (e.g., ‘I need to do a private health check’)?”
Off-Site Meeting: “If the home is not safe, can the assessment take place at the GP clinic or a local library?”
Joint Visit: “Given the safety concerns, can the NASC assessor visit alongside an Elder Abuse Response Service (EARS) worker from Age Concern?”

3. Example Email/Phone Script

If you are emailing the NASC office (using the addresses provided in the previous list), you can use this template:

Subject: URGENT: Safety Briefing for Needs Assessment – [Full Name of Older Person]

To the NASC Intake Team,

I am writing regarding the upcoming assessment for [Full Name, DOB, Address]. I wish to provide a confidential safety brief to the attending assessor.

I have serious concerns regarding elder abuse/harm involving [Name of Caregiver]. Specifically:

[Detail 1: e.g., The caregiver is preventing family from visiting.]

[Detail 2: e.g., There is evidence of financial mismanagement of the pension.]

Request for Visit: I am concerned that [Older Person] will not speak freely if the caregiver is present. Please structure the visit so they can be interviewed alone. I would also appreciate a follow-up call after the visit to discuss the safety plan.

My contact details are: [Your Phone/Email]

4. What Happens Next?

Once the assessor has this brief:

Safety First: They will prioritize the safety of the older person over the “service coordination” (cleaning/showering).
Referral to EARS: They may automatically trigger a referral to the Elder Abuse Response Service at Age Concern.
Capacity Check: They will assess if the older person has the “mental capacity” to understand the risk they are in.

Important: If the situation is an emergency (e.g., immediate threat of physical harm), do not wait for a NASC assessment. Call the Police on 111 or the Elder Abuse Helpline on 0800 32 668 65.