If you are reading this and thinking, “I know he’s manipulating me, I know the child changeovers are a trap, but I am just too tired to fight anymore,” please take a deep breath.
What you are feeling is completely normal. Coercive control is a war of attrition. Abusers intentionally wear you down over months and years until your emotional, physical, and mental batteries are at absolute zero. They know that an exhausted target is a compliant target.
When you give in to a threat, let them in the house, or submit to a demand just to make the chaos stop for 24 hours, that is not weakness. It is your brain choosing the quickest path to safety because you are running on empty.
But you cannot survive on temporary peace forever. When you are too exhausted to hold the boundaries yourself, the solution is to outsource the energy to structural walls.
How to Protect Yourself When You Are Too Tired to Fight
When you don’t have the strength to say “no” or stand your ground, you have to let other systems do the heavy lifting for you.
1. Let the System Be Your Voice (The Boundary Script)
You don’t need to draft a long, brave message or argue your case. Copy and paste this exact script into an email or text, send it once, and then mute their notifications:
“From now on, all communication regarding the children will happen through [Email/Co-Parenting App]. I will no longer be responding to text messages or phone calls. All child changeovers will take place via [Barnardos/School drop-off]. Do not come to my property.”
Once that is sent, the rule is set. You don’t have to defend it. If they text you 50 times demanding to know why, you don’t have to summon the energy to reply. Silence is your new boundary.
2. Move the Fight to Someone Else’s Desk
If you are too tired to face them, you don’t have to.
- Outsource the Handovers: By using Barnardos or a School/Kindy Buffer, you take yourself entirely out of the firing line. You don’t have to brace your nervous system for a face-to-face confrontation because you simply won’t be there.
- Outsource the Legal Fight: Go to a Women’s Refuge or Shine advocate. Tell them plain and simple: “I am completely exhausted and I cannot do this alone anymore.” They can take over the heavy lifting—helping draft the paperwork for a Protection Order, accompanying you to appointments, and standing between you and the abuser.
3. Take the Batteries Out of the Notifications
The constant ping of your phone is a literal assault on your nervous system, keeping your adrenaline spiking all day.
- The Action: Set their contact profile to “Mute” or use an app where messages are held in a vault that you only open once a day at a time you choose (like 2 PM when you have a coffee and feel settled). You reclaim control over when you deal with them, stopping them from disrupting your peace at 10 PM.
A Note from a Social Worker to You
“You have carried a mountain for a very long time, and it is okay that your arms are tired. You don’t need to find a burst of magical warrior strength to fix this. You just need to let us help you build the walls—through contact-free handovers, muted phones, and legal protections—so you can finally sit down, rest, and let your nervous system heal.”